Cocoon

“I was living a comfortable life but coming out of my comfort zone is like breathing in new air. I am not a different person but a better person… grounded, street smart, vigilant and focused on the PRIZE ahead.”

           This is from my cousin’s wife’s blog entry. It’s lovely, isn’t it? It is just wonderful how she finally decided to come out of her comfort zone. I envy her. A lot.

            I envy her because I also want to get out of my comfort zone but I do not have enough courage yet. I live my life today as I lived it in the past years. Different people rushing into my life, different things dancing on my hands, different places haunting my feet, many different things but one thing stays the same, I am safe.

             Am I as safe as what I think of? No. I am fully aware of that but I can not think of any place where I can be safer or maybe I do. I do know the place to be happy and at ease. The problem is, when will I get there? How will I go there? I am such a baby. I used to take risks as a teen. I used to live my life carelessly. I did think of growing up but never did I plan it at all. I just live my day as it is. If there’s an opportunity to laugh, I laugh. If time gives me a chance to cry, I cry. Now, I know that there’s a lot of opportunities knocking on my door and unfortunately, I just can’t open it. I am too afraid.

             Cautious? Is that what we call it? I don’t think so. It is not just being cautious. That’s not the problem. My problem is that I know the place I always wanted. I know the kind of things and people I always wanted to be with. I know what I wanted and still want but I can not lift my own foot to take a step. I am too afraid. Ending? I am stuck as always. I am just an old me.

           I wish I could have the same perseverance as what my Ate Ete has. I am afraid to be rejected. I am afraid to go out of my comfort zone. But come to think of it, this is not the life I wanted. I hate being involve in life issues I am not responsible of. I hate having my pillows to lean onto. I hate being excited for a trip and not being able to pursue it because I have no resources of my own. I hate my life, my comfort zone. It seems that my comfort zone isn’t really that comfortable for me.

         I maybe young to rush things but not too young. I maybe fragile but when will I ever try to expose myself to the things that would fail? Whether I do or not, some things will just fail so what am I so afraid of? When will I ever let myself be strong enough to face my endeavors?  Whether strong or not, challenges will find their ways towards me so why am I so ‘baby’ to fight?

          I know the answers to my own questions. I just can’t execute the solution. I have to be focused on the prize that I want to get but first, I have to play the game. I have to come out of this cocoon. I have to. I will.