Devirginized

        I was sent home from work last Monday. My stomach was aching badly. I was vomiting from Monday until Friday. Every food intake was coming out automatically. I went to the hospital on Wednesday to have myself checked and was prescribed with some meds. Unfortunately, nothing changed. I felt so weak. I was anxious because I had nothing in my tummy. I went back to Los Baños Doctors Hospital on Friday and boom! My doctor said that I had to be admitted to have a work-up and to determine the cause of my dilemma.

         I cried. I was like a baby. It was my first time to be admitted. The moment the nurse came to have my IV fluid connected, my body crumbled and tears came out while my very good friends were laughing and taking videos and pictures of me. I am a big girl, literally and can you imagine how I cried like a baby? I bet not.

        Ulcer and GERD. Positive. Gall bladder was swollen. Acid reflux was extreme. I was in the hospital for four days. I felt like a prisoner. Until now, I can't believe that I overcame the fear of being confined in a small room of the hospital.

         One of the fears in my life is to have admitted thinking that no one will visit or even guide me. God is just so good. He lessened the things I fear in life. No relatives visited me though. Oh well, I did not want them to. Or not. I was happy. The experience was heartbreaking (ang arte ko) because it made me realize a lot of things.

          I got discharged from the hospital today (6pm) and I am a lot better now.

Signed, Sealed, Pending

         I was the one who asked for your ears to listen but then again, I was the one who kept my lips sealed. How fool of me. I just thought that there’s really nothing to talk about. 

          One thing to be thankful about is that nothing happened. Nothing mutual. Nothing really started. Nothing. It’s easier to move on (when in fact, there’s nothing really to move from). That’s how impulsive I am. That’s how impulsive I was for what I thought I felt. I am not sure if that was just an infatuation or I just want to deny it now that I want things to be back to normal. Best yet, maybe I just don’t want to talk about it. 

            Still he’s one of the beautiful person I’ve known. I love the way he is. I love his kindness. His eyes, his lips, I love ‘em. I don’t want to spoil the closeness that lies for all of us. We’re in a happy circle and I don’t want to ruin that.

            I realized that I am putting myself in a closed box of you when in fact, there’s a larger world for me waiting outside that box. I’ll be walking the world and thank you so much for being part of it.

Late Bloomer

          I did a lot of crazy things lately. Well, I'm not really sure if you'd call 'em crazy or maybe, I am really just a late-bloomer. It was June when I unexpectedly opened the shell of my comfort zone. July, I got out of the shell and now, I think I am ready to walk a little further.

         I am not a saint for sure. A sinner? I don't really know. Maybe if I am, then this world could be considered as hell for having us.

        I was too afraid to speak out for what I've done. As much as I can, I keep those things with myself and with my very few trusted friends but lately, it was like "the hell I care, I did this and this" just smoothly came out. Or maybe I was just with my additional trusted friends who are on the same boat and for sure, would never judge you for the things that you've done and will give you a punch in the face if you did not do some of those crazy things.

        I am loving the loop. Too late for me? Not really. I never did such crazy things until I'm 22, well, few weeks before I turned 23. These things, a lot of things or not (or for me they are a lot), I love them. I must admit, I'm on the rush of trying things now. I already finished college. I have a job. I am single. I am not too old. I am not too young. Just in the right state to lose one's mind.

         The hype is great. The people you get to know more, uh, such a great bonus. Yeah, I'm in the momentum. I am crazy. The hell I care.

Marching Away

         Habang andito ako ngayon sa isang computer shop sa Makati (sa may Cash and Carry) dahil naiwan ko ang susi ko sa loob ng condo, hindi ko maiwasang mag-isip ng kung anu-ano. Dulot na rin siguro ng nabasa kong talumpati kaya ako nagkaganito. Lungkot ang naramdaman ko. Nakokonsensya rin ako.

         Sa darating na Sabado ang ang araw ng pagtatapos sa aking minamahal na unibersidad at isa ako sa mga magsisipagtapos. Isa ako sa mga maaaring umakyat sa entablado upang abuti ang isang rolyo ng papel na hindi ko sigurado kung may nakasulat ba o wala basta ang alam ko, hindi pa iyon ang diploma namin. Oo, tama, maaaring umakyat pero hindi aakyat. Mas pinili kong huwag na lang umakayat ng entablado. Sabi ng iba, korni raw ako. Sabi ng iba, gawin ko raw yun para sa sarili ko. Sabi rin ng iba pa, minsan lang daw yun dumating.

         Wala na akong pakialam sa sinasabi nila. Mas pinili kong magtrabaho kahit na sinabihan na ako ng trainer ko na ibibigay na niya sa akin ang araw na yun magmartsa lang ako. Pero hindi pa rin. Siguro dahil na rin sa nalipasan na ako ng panahon. Dapat kasi nung 2010 pa ako gumraduate e so wala na. Wala na yung excitement.

         Natatandaan kong tinanong ako ng trainer ko kung nakit hindi ako mamartsa at sumagot ako ng: "I don't know. I just don't feel like attending the ceremony. Maybe I would if my aunts will attend but they will not so I won't be attending. No one will come anyway."

Tinanong niya uli ako, "How about your mother?"

"She doesn't even tell me to attend the ceremony. I'm not sure if she remembers that I'll be graduating this April. Maybe she forgets because I'm already working."

Balik uli ng tanong si trainer, "What if she DOES want you to attend but just don't like to tell you because....blah blah?"

Nagkibit balikat na lang ako.

         Halos dalawang linggo na ang nakalipas. Tapos na ang Grad ball na hindi ko rin inatendan. At ngayon eto, nalulungkot ako.

         Okay lang naman sa akin na hindi magmartsa pero hindi ko man lang naisip na mapapasaya ko ang Mama ko kung ginawa ko yun. (@$%^&$#, umiiyak ako sa computer shop ngayon. Kadiri.) Hilingin niya man o hindi, dapat ginawa ko yun. Siya man ang nagpaaral sa akin o hindi, dapat nagpakita pa rin ako sa kanya ng nakatoga. On time man ako o inugatan na sa unibersidad, dapat isinama ko siya unibesidad sa araw na masasabi kong hindi ako sumuko. Dapat pinaramdam ko sa kanya na "Ma, sabi ko sa 'yo, gagraduate ako ng UP. Hindi man on time pero eto, tinapos ko." Pinagkait ko sa Mama ko ang kaligayahang makita na tapos na ang kanyang panganay. Haaaay. 

          Wala na. Grad ceremony na sa Sabado. Magtatrabaho na lang ako. Buti na lang kamo e hindi siya nagtatanong kung bakit hindi ako mamartsa. O hindi pa siya nagtatanong. Hayaan mo Ma, sa susunod e aattend na ako kung sakaling kukuha ako ng Master's degree. :)

Now

“I will be happy when..”
“I won’t be happy until/unless..”

            Being a girl with dreams and having plans for a paradise that I always hoped for, my happiness lies within the fulfillment of the things I want in life. I have built in my mind the belief that I can never be happy until I get the things I want.

            Lately, I’ve realized how miserable I was. You may never see it in my face but my mind were once (or at many times) occupied by anxieties. I used to be a happy-go-lucky girl and I never spoil any moment. When I get the chance to laugh, I laugh, BUT I was not happy. At night, my mind used to see a picture as dark as the less traveled street. I always thought of how abstract my future would be. The external parts of me said I’m happy but the ghost of what if’s and maybe’s were hiding inside.

           When I’m hurt, I tend to lock myself in the room and hide my head under a pillow and cry myself a river. I used to drown my liver into alcohol. I used to cloud my lungs with nicotine. When a guy doesn’t like me, I used to continue on martyrdom. I used to do the things that would make him like me until I no longer like myself for what I am doing.

            I know there are a lot of reasons for me to be sad and lonely and I used to say that, “To hell with other people! They don’t know what I’m going through and they have no single idea how it feels like to be me”. I was so pathetic. Now, I think it’s just right for me to be that miserable for having no value of own self and the greater things around me.

           I used to base my happiness on certain things and events in my life, who does not? Later did I realize that yes, those things will surely make me happy but, I can be happy now even without them yet. So when the time comes that they are already on my doorsteps ready to be picked up, I would be happier. The difference? Before, sadness to happiness. Now, happiness to more happiness.

        I want and will learn to not postpone my happiness. “I’ll be happy when I get a promotion.” ”I’ll be happy when I get a boyfriend.” ”I’ll be happy when I get my own car.” The list goes on. What if it’s my last day today? If I’m going to be happy tomorrow or in the future, how will I enjoy it if I’m buried six feet under?

        I will live in the NOW. But hey, when I say living in the now, it does not mean having no plans at all. I still have my goals in me but the next time I fail, instead of saying’ “Damn, I can never get this one right!” I’ll learn to say, “Okay, this is wrong, next time, i know what to do.”

         I know it’s difficult to live the way I want to live now but, I will give it a try - to be happy everyday. You see, it’s hard to look at the bright side when the bright side is covered by thick dark clouds. I know this is worth a try because knowing that there’s a bright side would make me happy now and when, I finally get there, surely, I’ll be happier.

I'm the best girlfriend

         I don’t need a guy to tell how he’ll love me forever and by midnight, he’s all gone - leaving me all alone with a broken heart, trashed hopes and shattered dreams of happy ending. I don’t want a guy who’ll promise that he’ll never look for another girl, who’ll say that I am the prettiest in the world and then before the sun shines, I’m all by myself and he, with a prettier girl and won’t take a second to just look at me.

           I am not sure if this is ideal or even close to possibility (but somehow, I still believe it is). I want a guy who will tell me he loves me only when he means it. If he finds it ‘baduy’ to say it all over again, I want him to show and let me feel loved. I don’t need him to shout to everyone that he loves me, a whisper to my ear that he does is sweeter. (Syet, naiimagine ko, kinikilig ako). I want a guy who’ll be honest enough to tell me that he thinks that the girl who just passed by us is pretty because, I got a lot of girl crushes, too! Hahaha. And if I find some cute guys, I’ll tell him with that kilig voice that a certain guy is cute and then kiss and hug him while telling him that yes, they maybe cute but hell, I;m with the man I love!

           I want an honest relationship - a relationship I always dream of. I want to be his bestfriend more than a girlfriend (but no friendzoning, dude!). Okay, that’s confusing, bestfriend and girlfriend, because ‘friendzone’ is trendy nowadays so let me just say, best girlfriend. AHUH! That’s confidence! Hahaha. I want to feel comfortable with my partner and I want him to feel the same way.

         Geez, why am I blogging about this? Hahaha. Yeah, well, maybe because I’m painting in my mind my very-soon-to-be love story. :) Aja! Let’s be positive!

Renewed

         Fears are creeping out of the whole soul, tending to find a place to hide, will there be a chance for all these efforts? If so, when will it be? Will it be soon that I am not ready yet or too late that I want it no more? Success, they say there’s nothing too late in this life, but we all have limited time here on earth. They say it does not come too soon but what if you want and can get it early?

         Dreams are already leaving the shallow corner. They have not found the path to reality yet, but now ready to walk and find one.

          Will there be a bright future because I want one even at times of rain and thunder. I am again awakened by what I wanted which I lost when I wouldn’t know what to do. Gathering strength to stand up and walk again is never easy but never impossible. 

           I am now renewed and ready to survive in this reality. Fears, I guess they will never leave me but I will never let them scare me now. I’ll find my path and I will earn courage to walk through it whatever hindrances there may be along the way.

            To myself, just keep on believing and dreaming. Stay wide-awake and take a nap to escape from stress. Don’t sleep too long, you’ll have a lot of sleep when you die. Live while you’re alive. Smile. :)

I Decide to be Happy

       I choose to be happy.

         Every single day, my housemate and I talk about our plans and how are we going to achieve them. Then point will come that we’ll realize that it’s going to be impossible if not, will take long. But then again, we’ll pull back and say ‘LAW OF ATTRACTION’.

         We restart to live with that law - that you attract into your life what you think about. If we believe that we can have and make it, then, along with our perseverance, we can.

         I started to read this book by Andrew Matthews on ‘Being Happy’ and it’s helping me a lot. It states that the source of our happiness is ourselves. Believe me, when you decide to be happy, you’ll be.

          Yesterday, I was with a talk with my friend and we came to a topic that will not make my mood pleasant and I just said, “Let’s stop talking about it. I don’t want to ruin my day.”  I just smiled and felt happy having tried to detour from my old ways of sorrowful living to a happy route.

          I just feel happy today because I know I decide to be. Why say the glass is half-empty if it’s half-full and will take away your thirst?

         It’s not the bad things or bad people that make us unhappy, it’s how we react to them. So long as I hold to other people as guilty and responsible for my unhappiness, I am refusing to admit to my own responsibility. Blaming other people never got anyone anywhere. Instead of crying over a dirty window, I will look at the beautiful view through it and be happy. :) But the thing is, don’t forget to clean the window because you still want to see the full-view of sight through it.

A Man in Me

              I grew up in a neighborhood where the population of men was higher than that of the women. My friends were boys. I played jolen, teks, rubber bands, tagu-taguan, mataya-taya with them. I had a lot of barbie dolls but I preferred the pogs and teks.
         As a child, I loved staying outside, playing on the streets and going home at night. My friends never looked at me as a girl. They said I have more brevity than they do. The neighborhood even concluded that I will grow up as a lesbian. Yes, my environment was a big factor on my masculinity.
         Moreover,  I was raised not knowing who my real father was. I thought my Daddy is my Daddy but no, he’s a brother of my ‘sister’ (who is mother).  I had a ‘brother’, my Dad’s son but he was studying in Manila that time. I was never scolded for not tying my hair. I was never grounded. But, I was always scolded for not wearing dresses. Yeah, I had to wear dresses everyday and they taught me to walk like a princess - holding both sides of your skirt, head slightly tilted. But they never won. I like playing outside. I don’t want to be alone in my room with all those perfect Barbie dolls.
          I grew up each day, having no biological parents. At the early age, my mind was opened to many ‘thoughts’. Will I ever be sent to or picked from school? How does it feel like having a father? A brother? I had to stand on my own. I came to think that these people around me will eventually get sick of my presence that in the future, I’ll be alone. I had to take care of myself since I have no Tatay or Kuya to protect me. When someone’s fighting against me, I must know how to fight back. I had no other voice but my own. I had to speak my mind out or I’ll die having said nothing. I grew up being assertive and certain of what I like.
          It was when I started college when I started to dress and act like a girl but never did it happen without my masculine personality. I talk a lot. I bully. I fight back. I never wanted to be hurt by someone I barely know so I bully them first. I never wanted to lose so I give my best in any battle. But this was also the time when I felt the pressure from these people around me. They may not say or do it directly but I felt their force pushing me to do things their way. They wanted me to do the best that I can. The problem was, the ‘best’ that they thought I had was just their imagination. They put too much pressure on my back that I just stop from doing things. Again, I had no one to run to. I have my friends, I know that, but we’re all students in the same University. We have our own problems and I never liked to add up on their burden so I had to be ‘man enough’ to move on. I had to take courage as a warrior and continue to fight for the life I (or they) wanted for me.
         The inconsistency of a father and a brother figure in my life pushed me to be ‘stronger’. It made me realize that I am not a lesbian but yes, I am a man. It made me believe in the power of a woman, on feminism, that a woman is not just a person contained in the four walls of the house doing household chores. That a lady is not just the one who’s afraid to speak out. We, women, can also do things on our own. We may be submissive at times but that’s not because of our vagina. I believe that people get submissive once in a while whether they have penis or not.
         The way we act and the way we do things are influenced by the environment we live in. The standards are set by the society. Sometimes, I dream to influence others and set standards on my own. I get tired of stereotypes.
         I am a man. I am strong but at night, I cry. I fight but at the corner, my heart crumbles. I am talkative but deep inside me, there are some feelings I just can’t express. Still, I am a woman. A woman who tries to be man enough to face the patriarchal world.

Huling Tinta

            Kung paglayang maituturing ang pagsusulat, bakit nakakulong pa rin ang kamalayan? Bakit mangmang pa rin ang utak? Bakit mababa pa rin ang tingin ng karamihan?

            Ang istiryotipong nagtatakda nang kung ano ang tama sa hindi, ay siya mismong lumalason sa pag-iisip ng mga sumusunod sa agos. At ang magtatakda ng mga mambabasa ay hindi mismo ang teksto, kung hindi ang mga puwersang naghahari upang husgahan ang utak ng manunulat. Kailanman, hindi maiguguhit ng may-akda ang balat ng aklat dahil lalapatan kaagad ito ng imaheng taliwas sa nilalaman ng libro.

             Mahirap bumitaw lalo na kung matagal mo itong pinanghawakan. Sadyang sumuko na ang puso sa paghahanap ng liwanag na kailangan upang mailapat muli ang plumang dadampi sa minamahal na papel. Isang karuwagan ngang maituturing ang pamamaalam ngunit isa rin itong katapangan dahil tinanggap na ng puso na hindi na nito kaya.

           Gayun nga, nalalapit na ang pagpatak ng huling tinta.

Sinulat ni: Roxanne Targa, katrabaho, kaibigan

Unofficially yours ver2

         I was always there for you. I call you when you need someone to talk to because that’s the only thing I can do with this fucking distance. I change your bad mood into a pleasant one. Everything that I could do, I did.
         I was happy that you appreciate what I was doing. Yeah, appreciation was enough but not today. You said I make you happy, but the thing is, how about me? Love? I don’t believe now that when you love, it’s okay to be not loved back. Dude, I want to be happy, too. I was invited for a dinner date for Valentine’s Day, but I did not accept the invitation because I want it with you. And there you are, having the best valentine celebration of your life with someone else. You play with them and got a kiss. I told you, I don’t want you to kiss anyone else but me especially on a heart’s day. You thought it was okay? For our relationship, it may be, but for me, personally, it is not.
          That’s the problem when you got no label. What am I? A friend? A confidante? The one you can go to when you have nowhere else to go? The one you can talk to when you got no one else to listen? I could be all that, but please make it clear! WHAT AM I TO YOU? WHAT’S MY ROLE?
          You are not the only one who needs assurance that someone will always be there, I need it, too. Where does reciprocity go nowadays? Martyrdom, I can do that, been there done that. It’s just that, now, when I do it again, it must be worth it and for someone who deserves it because I believe that I deserve someone who’s worth my efforts.
           If you are ‘friendzoning’ me, well, friendzone is not my comfort zone. It’s a trap - a trap for my happiness. I don’t want to be jailed on this zone and suffer.
           Unofficially yours. No, I am now, officially not yours.

Restless

          I feel so tired. All of a sudden, I feel like giving up. Not because of work or anything else but merely because I just want to be the way I used to be even though it means being unproductive. As early as now, I want to take a break. I want to sleep until I feel like leaving my bed. I want to go out whenever I want to. I want to be carefree. I want to go on bars and drink and dance all night and sleep all day.

          Now, I understand what they say – that it is really better (feeling) to be a student than to be in the working army. It is easier to spend money which isn’t yours. It is okay to go home late because you can choose not to attend classes next day.

          When you start working, everything turns to be different. You can’t just ask money from anyone because you are making your own whether it is enough or not. You can not enjoy the ride you were in during school days – eating out, buying the things you want, coffee, etc. – because it is very difficult to spend the money you make from your own sweat.

          Now, I understand when my Mom, Tita or Grandma used to say that I must not spend money as if I am just picking it from a tree. I understand why they get mad everytime I ask for an extra however, this isn’t an issue about money – just a realization. 

          I am so stressed out not because of the load of work I have but because everyday, I wake up at 4 in the morning and get ready for work and be in Makati by 8:30am. I have to be sent to terminal and ride a bus going to Buendia, ride a jeepney to Makati Ave. and walk going to the office. Every 7 in the evening (sometimes 8 or 8:30), I have to  walk then, ride a jeepney to LRT Buendia, bus going to Lipa and tricycle going home. By 10pm, sometimes 11, I’m home. Time for rest? Not yet. I still have to wash my lab gown so that I can wear it the day after next. Good thing I found my two lab gowns I used in college that makes my laboratory gowns four. Eat no more because my body is flying itself going to bed. Sleep? Not yet. ;)

          There, I said I never get tired, but my body just can’t lie more when weekend came and fever got high and cold came out and cough just got noisy.

          I couldn’t help myself but cry and said that I just want to stop working for a week and just sleep and watch movies and catch up with the series I left behind. I just thought of asking my tita that yes, this time I want to get your long-gone offer to go there to Europe. I just want to travel and study again.

            I want to get rich, of course and I know I will never be one if I got this kind of outlook but you see, I am just so damn tired. I was so workaholic since I started and there, my body just can’t get by.

        I don’t know where this is going but I just want to take a break or work a little nearer to where I go home. And oh, did I tell you that I am not physically fit for this? Yes. It’s just that they thought I am smart and can contribute a lot to this company and that ‘it’ is not contagious, so they hired me. I don’t know how to end this like I don’t know what to do next and like I don’t know how make the verbs in this post consistent. Hahaha. I feel so lazy to do some proofreading.

WRITTEN: 18JAN2012

Procrastinator

        I had once felt the itching inevitability of the crash to come. The feeling was not desirable that I never wanted the same in my system again.

          I did not know where to go. I do not know where to go, still. As of the moment, I am overcome  by a profound and inexplicable inertia - occupied by wild dreams - but nothing seems to conceal the stain of these hallucinations. Everything seems to be incapable of conceiving a solution to my career woes, not even a vague plan.

          Why so? I’ll sit down at the computer, intending to search for a career relief, everything possible is on my way in an instant by the help of Google and then wake up from fugue state hours later having accomplished nothing, as if I’d been hypnotized deeply by this procrastination - just listening to the ticks and tacks of my personal crises, but never awaken by them.

Dipshits and an Asshole

                One time, you’ll meet a guy who will sweep you off your feet; be there before you even ask him to; will drive you any time of the day just to make sure you’re safe and will get to where you are headed; will buy you and your friends some drinks; will be there at past one in the morning when your friends call him and say that you’re drunk though you all know, including him, that it’s not true; will take you for a road trip until the sun starts to shine and when you get tired you’ll just sleep in the car while he’s there, still driving because he’ll notice that you go deep in your sleep while the car is moving and when you finally are soundly asleep, he’ll park somewhere near your house; you’ll open your eyes and be terrified because oh glory! It’s almost 9am but all your worries will then be washed away as you feel his hand holding yours while he’s sleeping there in his driver’s seat and; will drive you back home.

                Sweet. Sweeter than the oreo cheesecake and the choco java chip frappucino in a coffee shop. Sweeter than the black forest cake you’ve ever tasted. You’ll get what you always wanted – the sudden rush in your heartbeat, the sparkle in your eyes, the love.

                You’ll go to bed and continue to fantasize what would the next days be with him. You’ll smile alone, you’ll even shout sometimes because of the excitement you know you just created. Before going to sleep, you’ll think deeply and before you even close your eyes, you know that it’s nothing serious. Even before the rendezvous, you know everything is just an old and torn apart book covered with a dazzling wrapper.

                The worse thing is, you both know he’s an asshole and he even admitted it to you and you still choose to continue. Who knows? Oh geez! Haven’t learned any lessons from the past “who knows?” and “what if’s?” What if you’re the game he doesn’t want to play? AGAIN? You had the same question months ago, Dear. If you are the game he doesn’t want to play, why are you playing with him now?

                Sweetest asshole as he said. You couldn’t agree more. You know that he is and that, you can never deny. Sweetest sin. Sweetest lies. Sweetest bullshits. How come these shits turn into a piece of cake when added with some sweetness, huh? The feeling you crave for. The taste you always want to indulge.

                You know none of these lies will turn out into a splendid reality. None of these will work out. Still, you can’t even muster the will to step back because first of all, what is there to step back from when it’s just a normal thing for him? Secondly, why step back from a thing you pretend to be normal as well? Not convinced by your own pretentious game, eh? You can not back out. The show must go on. Stay friends. After all, that’s what this game is all about - convincing yourself that you’re just friends so there! Go on! Play hard and win the game!

Nubato

         Love. Lovelife. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Syota. Partner. Hindi ako makagawa ng post about sa ganito ngayong mga araw (maliban siguro dito). Sabi ko, pagkagrad ko, magboboyfriend na ako. Ngayong tapos na ako, hindi pa rin talaga. Mas gusto kong magkatrabaho muna. Hindi dahil walang choice kasi pwede ka namang magboyfriend kung gusto mo. Kumuha ka ng tambay then ohlala, may syoooowtah ka na.

        But you see, there’s more to life than being bitter having no partner. O siguro tumatanda na lang talaga ako. Ngayon, alam ko nang tama ang lola ko, mas madali na ang lahat kapag nakatapos ka na at may trabaho. Pero siyempre, ano nga ba namang madali sa buhay na ito? 

        “May gusto siyang iba, huhuhu.” “Hindi niya ako mahal, ajujuju.” ” Hindi siya nagreply, uha uha uha” and then you start to torture yourself. Hindi kakain. Matutulog na lang maghapon. Iiyak. Mag-ggm. Tutulog, kakain, iiyak. Ayos lang pero you must know when to stop. Not everything is meant to go on forever. Phase lang yan. Napasa mo na ba ang mga exams mo? Kung high school ka, alam mo na ba kung anong course ang gusto mo? Kung saang unibersidad ka papasok? Pagkatapos nun, anong trabaho ang papasukin mo? Kapag nalaman mo ang mga sagot, marami pang kasunod yan tulad ng ‘paano’, ‘saan’, ‘kailan’ at kung anu-ano pa.

         Oo nga’t iba ang saya na naidudulot ng may kasintahan o ng taong may minamahal pero kung wala e di wala muna. Huwag gumawa ng patibong para hindi ka lalo makusad sa buhay mo. Sa buhay hindi lang sa pag-ibig.

        Tumatanda na ako at pinaghahanapan na ako ng kapareha pero paano? Mahirap ipilit ang hindi pwede. Ayoko pa siguro talaga pero lumalabas naman ako kasama ng lalaki. kung maging kami e di kami pero kung hindi, bahala siya, basta ang gusto ko, makapagtrabaho, mapag-aral ang kapatid ko. Darating din naman siguro ang panahon na masasabi ko sa sarili ko na yun na lang ang kulang at di saka iyon, magnonovena ako para umulan ng lalaki.

         Takot akong malamon ng kasiyahan at pagkatapos, kapag hindi nagwork-out, maiiwan ako sa isang tabi - naghihirap, walang trabaho, hindi nakatapos, bitter, galit sa mundo, lahat na. Kailangan ko ng isang mangingibig o sampu para mas masaya pero marami pang bagay na mas kailangan ko kesa sa isinusulat sa mga telenobela. Uunahin ko muna kung saan ako mas sigurado at yun ang buhay ko na hawak ko, ang fulfillment na galing sa sarili ko at hindi sa iba e di saka yung galing sa iba. Sinong makapagbibigay sa akin ng mga kailangan ko kung hindi ko naman alam ang mga ito? Sinong magtiyatiyaga sa akin kung ako mismo e pinababayaan ang sarili ko?

          All we ever wanted is everything and sometimes, to get everything, you must to start on something first.

Can We Be Friends?

                “Friends forever?”

                “Promise….?”

Then you do that pinky thing to tighten up your promises. You promise to never leave each other’s side and to be there through ups and downs of life no matter what happens. Forever. You make your own vows at the corner of a classroom instead of making it in front of the altar. You get married – to your friend – and just made a promise of a lifetime.

                Do you have any idea of what you are doing? If being friends ‘forever’ means riding on the same school bus every morning going to school and every afternoon going home; having your snacks shared and eaten together during recess; helping each other on doing homework; telling each other’s crushes; handing paper toilets when you can’t help it but poop in school, etcetera, then probably, you are right. You know what being ‘friends forever’ is - forever in a primary school – and you don’t know how you’ll get in to high school without these friends.

                And then high school comes. You get to have a new set of friends whom you’ll do the same promise. You share your family stories; tell your first boyfriend/girlfriend; talk about your plans for college; hug whenever one gets down; go on a movie during weekends; have sleepovers; do projects together; send sms whenever you’re not together or even during classes when you can not have that chit chat because your teacher is busy talking like an alien and; more. You are probably on a ‘friends-forever era’ in a secondary school – and you can not imagine surviving college without having these people.

College is on the way. You and your friends go to different universities. A whole new world – different people from different places – is there to adjust on. You call or text your high school friends telling them how awful or amazing your day is; you go online to chat with them and send the link of a hottie you just found in the campus and of course; you always tell them how much you miss them. How long will it be (missing them)?

                Before you know it, you are already, again, in a group of new people you called ‘friends’. No more pinky promises, so elementary. No more getting jealous whenever one goes out with other, so high school. As the time passes by, you’ll know that they are your friends, not out of a promise and/or agreement, but you just know it. From sharing your darkest secrets to making new ones; from telling if you’re still a virgin or not, to asking who s/he wants to do ‘it’; from overnight review to overnight drinking session; from academic tours to just a fun tour; more; more and; more.

                You can be proud and shout how lucky you are to have the best people in your life who will always be there and never leave you through ups and downs and you could not ask for more. Is it enough?

                College is the terrorist that destroys your fairytale made in elementary and high school or let’s just say, the antagonist in your own story. It is when you start to put the pieces of life’s puzzle. Just the start. You fail a subject and your friends comfort you. You break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend and your friends will drink with you. You don’t graduate on time and you have to work and your friends will support you emotionally, spiritually and even financially. The more you fail, the more you know more. Ironic.

                You fail, they will be there. You fail again, and they will be there again. But you see, people get tired. They have their own lives as you have your own. You have problems and they may have a lot more. Life is more than just a fairytale that ends in happily ever after.

                Reality check: friends will not always be beside you; they will not be there through your ups and downs all through your life; they will leave you soon – sooner than you think. Sometimes, you do leave them to make the life you, well, used to talk about with them.

                Come to think of it, you once didn’t know how to make your high school life colorful without your elementary friends but you did. You once can not imagine college without your best buds in high school but you did. They’re not with you, always.

                Life, or in this case, friendship is more than what we paint during teenage life. I hope I am just being cynical, but I know more than that. Sooner or later, you’ll start to live on your own – without the friends you used to spend your everyday with. Sooner or later, you’ll be busy with your work that you can not even find a minute to text or chat with them. Sooner or later, you’ll have your family and you just can’t make it having friends in your house and drink until the morning sky.

                Friends forever. It is more than just the promises made. It is more than just your ups and downs when you’re a student. It is more than just sharing your secrets. It is more than just lending money or time.

                Am I being too pessimistic? You may have your own viewpoints of course and this is mine. Let me crack you this, for me, being friends is knowing that when you get older, you know that you’ll get in touch in the future because you are each other’s child’s godmother/godfather. It may not be everyday but you know, you’ll see each other in the future. How often? Maybe once a month? Once a year? Once every five years? Once in a blue moon? Or maybe when you’re already lying sound and won’t be able to wake up the next morning. Whenever it is, you know, that your friends are the ones who will still get in touch after your ‘fun life’ is over whether it is immediately after or after you just have your first grandchild.

                I have no grandchild yet. I know. And yes, I’ll know who my friends are when I get there. Still, it’s good to know you have people you called ‘friends’ (bestfriends, in fact) in every chapter of your life. So what? Friends forever? Promise…?

Ina - Isang Masamang Panaginip Lang

            Hindi kita kakausapin ni papansinin man lang. Galit na galit ako sa ‘yo. Sa pailang ulit na, iniwan mo ako sa ere. Sa pailang beses na, naniwala ako sa pangako mong hindi na naman natupad. Sa pailang pagkakataon, pinatunayan mong ni isa sa mga sinasabi ko, wala kang napakinggan. Palapalaging ako ang walang respeto at pagmamahal!

          Kasalanan mong lahat ito! Lahat! Kung bakit nagkaganito ang buhay ko! Mula pa noon hanggang ngayon, ikaw at ikaw ang sumisira ng mga pangarap ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero tila ba lagi na lang gumagawa ang tadhana para humadlang ka sa lahat ng nais kong makamtan. Kahit pa palipasin ang noon at ibaon sa limot, lagi na lamang nauulit. Inuulit at inuulit mo pa rin!

         Nagsabi ako sa iyo ng minsan, pinakinggan mo ako, sinuportahan at pinangakuan na lagi kang nariyan at hindi ako pababayaan pero tulad ng isang baha, ako ay tinangay mo sa mabilis mong pag-agos at pagkatapos ng bagyo, ikaw ay lumisan. Ako? Naiwan sa lansangan, isang basura na naghihintay na lamang linisin ng iba. Bakit hindi mo ako tinangay sa ilog? Sa dagat? Handa naman akong lumangoy at magpadala sa daloy basta alam kong nariyan ka at alam ko ang ating patutunguhan. Kada may bagyo, maghihintay ka na lamang ng pagtigil ng ulan at ako ay lillisanin.

          Kasalanan mo itong lahat! Lahat! Wala na ako kahit isa sa buhay ko, sumulpot kang muli para iparamdam na hindi ako nag-iisa.  Tulad ng isang posporo, naging handa na muli akong magpasindi dahil alam kong kasama kita, alam kong mas malakas ang ningas nang may kasama ako. Anong nangyari? Ang sindi mo ay hinayaan mo na lamang patayin ng hangin at heto ako, nawalan na rin ng apoy.

        Kasalanan mo! Ang sarap isumbat sa ‘yo ang lahat-lahat ng nangyari at nangyayari. Iniwan mo ako noon, bumalik ka at tinanggap kita at muli, iniwan mo ako. Parang kang yoyo, bumalik na naman at ang kamay ko namang ito ay handa palaging sambutin ka pero ano? Kumawala ka na naman, ayan na naman, iniwan mo ako.

        Noon, nasa sulok lamang ako nang iniwan mong luhaan at duguan. Ngayon, hindi na ako nagkukubli sa isang sulok. Luhaan at duguan pa rin, nasa bingit na ng kamatayan, nasa gitna ng maraming tao, sumisigaw at nagbabakasakaling may sumaklolo. Marahil ay hahayaan na lamang ako dito sa gitna, naghihingalo, nauubusan ng hininga hanggang sa tuluyan nang mamatay. Mabuti pa noong sa sulok, masakit pero kinakaya. Pero ngayon, sa gitna ng maraming tao, mas masakit palang maiwang mag-isa. Iniwan mo akong naghihingalo, lumuluha at lumuluhod para pakinggan mo. Naghuhumiyaw ang damdamin pero walang nakakarinig. Nagliliyab ang buong pagkatao pero walang apoy na lumalabas.

        Kung hindi mo ako iniwan noon, baka hindi mo rin ako kayang iwan ngayon! Kasalanan mo! Kung hindi mo ako itinakwil noon, baka hindi mo kayang makitang ganito ako ngayon! Kasalanan mo! Sino nga ba naman ako sa ‘yo? Isang pagkakasala. Isang alaala ng mga pagkakamali mo noong nakalipas. Isang abala sa iyong mga pangarap na naudlot. Isang anak sa pagkadalaga o marahil isang anak na hindi mo ginusto. Isang peklat sa pagkatao mong hindi mo ginusto at ni kailanman ay hindi mo matatanggap.

        Dumating ka. Alas kwatro ng madaling araw at tinawag ang pangalan ko. Sa dinami-dami ng gusto kong isumbat sa ‘yo na kulang yata ang isang buong araw para masabi ang lahat ng ‘yon, wala akong nasabi kahit isang salita. Walang tinig na lumabas sa aking bibig. Pagbuksan ka ng pinto. Iyon lang ang tangi kong nagawa. Natulog tayong magkatabi, sinabi ko ang mga nangyari sa maayos na paraan. “Kasalanan ko na nga. Huwag mo na akong sisihin”, sambit mo.

          “Tangina! Kasalanan mo nga! Kasalanan mo nga hindi ba? So sinong sisisihin ko? Yung walang kasalanan? Nang dahil sa ‘yo, nagkaganito ako. Naging patapon katulad mo! KASALANAN MO!”

         Gusto ko mang sambitin pero wala talagang lumalabas na mga salitang ganoon mula sa akin kundi “Huwag na nating pag-usapan, matulog ka na”.

       Badtrip ako, umaga pa lang simula ng dumating ka pero hindi ko kayang ipakita sa ‘yo kaya umalis na lamang ako, nagpasundo sa lalaki at magkakape para magpalamig ng ulo. Sabi ko, babalik ako ng tanghali pero gabi na nang ako ay nakabalik. Naroon ka pa rin – nakahiga sa aking kama. Umupo ako sa upuan. Umiyak sa sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman. Umiyak sa dami ng problema. Tumingin ka sa akin. Tumulo rin ang iyong mga luha kaya dagli kong pinunasan ang akin dahil alam mong ayokong sabay tayong iiyak.

         “Anak, huwag ka namang umiyak. Alam mo namang isang iyak mo lang ay hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Tumahan ka na”, wika mo.

         “Lumabas ka ng kwarto! Labas! Bilis!” at lumabas ka nga. Naririnig ko mula sa aking kinauupuan ang iyong paghikbi. Ako, nakupo pa rin at saka umiyak pagkatapos mong lumabas. Hindi ko mapigilan ang paghagulhol. Galit sa mundo. Galit sa lahat. Sa lahat ng nangyayari, may dahilan pa ba para maging masaya ako? Galit ako sa sarili ko. Naiinis ako. Bakit sa dami kong gustong sabihin, sa dami ng gusto kong isumbat, sa lahat ng pasakit na dinulot at dinudulot mo, wala akong masabi? Bakit?

         Akala ko noon, malakas akong tao, iyon din ang sabi nila. Siguro, kaya ko pa lang noon at ngayon, hindi na. Mahina ako. Wala na akong lakas para lumaban. Gusto ko na lang sumuko. Mahina ako sa problema. Mahina ako sa sakit. Mahina ako pagdating sa ‘yo. Ikaw ang nagpalakas sa akin, ikaw ang nagpahina. Ikaw ang kahinaan ko.

        Kung hindi mo kayang makitang umiiyak ako, ganoon din ako sa ‘yo. Tanginang buhay naman ‘to oh! Bakit ganito niya tayo paglaruan?

        Gusto kong isiping kathang-isip lang ito. Gusto kong paniwalain ang sarili kong isa lamang ito sa mga masasamang panaginip na naranasan ko, na magigising din ako at masasabing, panaginip lang pala.

Oh Boy

          Under the shining sun, I look for rain. I wish to dance in the pouring rain and think that it’s your love. The love that will get me soaked and turn me in to wet and wild cat and be a tiger that roars loudly just to be with you. I want no hands but yours. I won’t bother to have those hugs and kisses if they’re not from you. Where do you spend most of your time? I would like to know how get there. Do you always sleep with blanket? I will share or even give you mine though I, too, can’t sleep well without one.

            I will not ask you to take away the melancholic feeling in me because I know that beside you, there’ll be no other place happier and safer. I won’t beg you to look me in the eyes, I will look at yours until we meet and consequently dance in cloud 9. I will wait for your eyes to close before I go to sleep. Before I close mine, I will give you a good night kiss while you’re already in your dreamland. You’ll wake up with your breakfast ready. More. More. Time. Joy. Kisses. Hugs. More. More.

            Oh, boy, where are you? Who are you? Do you ever think of me, too?

Lutang

        Baliw bang maituturing ang taong naiinis sa sarili? May sayad bang masasabi ang isang nilalang na paulit-ulit na lang tinatanong ang sarili? Wala na ba talaga sa kabaitan ang taong alam ang problema at solusyon pero hindi makagawa ng hakbang? Ako ata yan e. Ako nga. Isang baliw, may sayad, halang at tuluyan na yatang nawala sa sarili niyang katinuan.

         Alam kong mali ako pero hindi pa in ako kumikilos. Ano? Naghihintay ng paggunaw ng mundo. Baka nga. Kausap? Ano pa bang dapat hanapin kung sanay na rin namang kausapin ang sarili? Tangina naman oh, nahihirapan ako pero wala naman akong ginagawa para maibsan ang paghihirap na ito. Mahirap talagang masanay sa isang buhay na hindi mo naman inaasahang mawawala sa ‘yo. Pan de leche flan! Pagod na ako sa ganito. Pagod? E wala naman akong ginagawa ah. Paano ako mapapagod?

          Kinakausap ko ang sarili ko pero ang tanong, pinapakinggan ko ba ang sarili kong tinig? Naiinis ako sa sarili ko pero tila yata mabilis makalimot ang isans ito at hindi dinaramdam ang galit ng sarili niyang kaluluwa. Tila may hindi ikaw at ikaw. May isa pa atang ikaw na natutulog at dapat nang gisingin. Aba, ineng, kailan ka pa gigising?

        Gising na ako! Matagal nang nakamulat ang aking mga mata. Pero tila ba may kung anong nagdurugtong sa amin ng kamang aking kinahihigaan at hindi ako makabangon. Hindi ko malaman kung rugby ba, mighty bond, elementary paste o nilutong gawgaw lang na akala mo’y ako’y habang buhay nang nakapako at hindi maiangat ang sarili katawan. Turukan kaya ng helium? Lumutang kaya ako? Para saan? Nakahiga pero lutang pa rin naman. Tanginang buhay yan.

[WRITTEN: Oct2011]