Now

“I will be happy when..”
“I won’t be happy until/unless..”

            Being a girl with dreams and having plans for a paradise that I always hoped for, my happiness lies within the fulfillment of the things I want in life. I have built in my mind the belief that I can never be happy until I get the things I want.

            Lately, I’ve realized how miserable I was. You may never see it in my face but my mind were once (or at many times) occupied by anxieties. I used to be a happy-go-lucky girl and I never spoil any moment. When I get the chance to laugh, I laugh, BUT I was not happy. At night, my mind used to see a picture as dark as the less traveled street. I always thought of how abstract my future would be. The external parts of me said I’m happy but the ghost of what if’s and maybe’s were hiding inside.

           When I’m hurt, I tend to lock myself in the room and hide my head under a pillow and cry myself a river. I used to drown my liver into alcohol. I used to cloud my lungs with nicotine. When a guy doesn’t like me, I used to continue on martyrdom. I used to do the things that would make him like me until I no longer like myself for what I am doing.

            I know there are a lot of reasons for me to be sad and lonely and I used to say that, “To hell with other people! They don’t know what I’m going through and they have no single idea how it feels like to be me”. I was so pathetic. Now, I think it’s just right for me to be that miserable for having no value of own self and the greater things around me.

           I used to base my happiness on certain things and events in my life, who does not? Later did I realize that yes, those things will surely make me happy but, I can be happy now even without them yet. So when the time comes that they are already on my doorsteps ready to be picked up, I would be happier. The difference? Before, sadness to happiness. Now, happiness to more happiness.

        I want and will learn to not postpone my happiness. “I’ll be happy when I get a promotion.” ”I’ll be happy when I get a boyfriend.” ”I’ll be happy when I get my own car.” The list goes on. What if it’s my last day today? If I’m going to be happy tomorrow or in the future, how will I enjoy it if I’m buried six feet under?

        I will live in the NOW. But hey, when I say living in the now, it does not mean having no plans at all. I still have my goals in me but the next time I fail, instead of saying’ “Damn, I can never get this one right!” I’ll learn to say, “Okay, this is wrong, next time, i know what to do.”

         I know it’s difficult to live the way I want to live now but, I will give it a try - to be happy everyday. You see, it’s hard to look at the bright side when the bright side is covered by thick dark clouds. I know this is worth a try because knowing that there’s a bright side would make me happy now and when, I finally get there, surely, I’ll be happier.