I grew up in a neighborhood where the population of men was higher than that of the women. My friends were boys. I played jolen, teks, rubber bands, tagu-taguan, mataya-taya with them. I had a lot of barbie dolls but I preferred the pogs and teks.
As a child, I loved staying outside, playing on the streets and going home at night. My friends never looked at me as a girl. They said I have more brevity than they do. The neighborhood even concluded that I will grow up as a lesbian. Yes, my environment was a big factor on my masculinity.
Moreover, I was raised not knowing who my real father was. I thought my Daddy is my Daddy but no, he’s a brother of my ‘sister’ (who is mother). I had a ‘brother’, my Dad’s son but he was studying in Manila that time. I was never scolded for not tying my hair. I was never grounded. But, I was always scolded for not wearing dresses. Yeah, I had to wear dresses everyday and they taught me to walk like a princess - holding both sides of your skirt, head slightly tilted. But they never won. I like playing outside. I don’t want to be alone in my room with all those perfect Barbie dolls.
I grew up each day, having no biological parents. At the early age, my mind was opened to many ‘thoughts’. Will I ever be sent to or picked from school? How does it feel like having a father? A brother? I had to stand on my own. I came to think that these people around me will eventually get sick of my presence that in the future, I’ll be alone. I had to take care of myself since I have no Tatay or Kuya to protect me. When someone’s fighting against me, I must know how to fight back. I had no other voice but my own. I had to speak my mind out or I’ll die having said nothing. I grew up being assertive and certain of what I like.
It was when I started college when I started to dress and act like a girl but never did it happen without my masculine personality. I talk a lot. I bully. I fight back. I never wanted to be hurt by someone I barely know so I bully them first. I never wanted to lose so I give my best in any battle. But this was also the time when I felt the pressure from these people around me. They may not say or do it directly but I felt their force pushing me to do things their way. They wanted me to do the best that I can. The problem was, the ‘best’ that they thought I had was just their imagination. They put too much pressure on my back that I just stop from doing things. Again, I had no one to run to. I have my friends, I know that, but we’re all students in the same University. We have our own problems and I never liked to add up on their burden so I had to be ‘man enough’ to move on. I had to take courage as a warrior and continue to fight for the life I (or they) wanted for me.
The inconsistency of a father and a brother figure in my life pushed me to be ‘stronger’. It made me realize that I am not a lesbian but yes, I am a man. It made me believe in the power of a woman, on feminism, that a woman is not just a person contained in the four walls of the house doing household chores. That a lady is not just the one who’s afraid to speak out. We, women, can also do things on our own. We may be submissive at times but that’s not because of our vagina. I believe that people get submissive once in a while whether they have penis or not.
The way we act and the way we do things are influenced by the environment we live in. The standards are set by the society. Sometimes, I dream to influence others and set standards on my own. I get tired of stereotypes.
I am a man. I am strong but at night, I cry. I fight but at the corner, my heart crumbles. I am talkative but deep inside me, there are some feelings I just can’t express. Still, I am a woman. A woman who tries to be man enough to face the patriarchal world.
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