A searcher, as how we define it, is someone who carefully looks and examines to find something. From the word itself, searcher is someone who searches for something. I do not actually need to cite definitions of “searcher” in this entry but, what I want to express has something to do with searching; someone who searches – searcher.
It all started since birth. Yes, you read it right, since birth. A girl was born in bewilderment. She was born in a world where she never thought she would be in. The journey was difficult for this “princess” but, she never thought of giving up. There were times, a lot of times, when questions seemed stuck in her head and did not want to leave her. This girl in bewilderment; this princess, is me.
It was 1995, I was 6 years old then, when the real scene started to play. A night of happiness, laughing with my grandmother and cousin, was destructed by a shout out: “Hazel, baby”. It was a shout from a girl going out of the tricycle, a girl in red dress. I know who she is. My Ate Helen was the girl, a daughter of my grandmother. We bonded. We shopped. We laughed and all. Everything was fine. What stopped the fun was when I noticed that people were laughing at me. It seemed like for them, I am a child without anxieties; that I so not care for what they were saying. Rumors just did not stop. Questions just kept entering into my mind. My head ached thinking and looking for answers.“Didn’t she know that she is her mother”? Why isn’t she telling the child that she’s the mother”?
It was hard for me to express out the questions to people around me. It was hard for a child to ask something from outer space when everybody was expecting her to just ask for candies. However, I did not mind. I asked my grandmother about the thing. There it goes, she is my mother. It did not surprise me that much for there was this feeling in me that I cannot explain. I knew she was my mother. I just need confirmation for legal matters – I think.
Graduation in kindergarten, 1996, my mother came with me. She put on the medal and the ribbons for a princess marching on the stage. It was my happiest moment then. Going to church and to the mall weekly, what more can a child ask for? At a young age, I have searched for one of the most important things in one’s life.
I thought it was over. We are close enough to continue living as a mother and child. After just about two years, my mother got married to someone I did not even know. I broke down. I was 8years old then. It broke my world into pieces. I searched for someone to lean on as my mother was busy mingling with her husband. I found my grandmother – waiting for me to come back to her, longing for my hugs and kisses. I took time to accept the situation. I was successful in doing so. Consequently, my mother got pregnant and gave birth to a cute baby boy. I was so glad having a sibling. Again, my world started to tremble. Earthquakes did not leave me. It kept on shaking my life. My heart was broken. My teary eyes kept looking for attention from a mother. Tears fell down my eyes seeing a happy family – my mother, my stepfather and their son.
Action scene of my life started on this. My heart walked away from my mother’s. It went farther and faster since we had just known each other for two years or three. My heart was lost but still, found its way going back to my mother. I have decided to take the path to her direction. I came with them, my mother and my brother, wherever they go. Until one time, we went to my brother’s Godmother. She, the Godmother, asked my mother who I was. “This is my niece. She is living with me because her mother is abroad”. The whole me, at that early age, melted. Every part of me was lost in nowhere. It caused me so much pain. I ran to my grandmother. I told her what happened.
I searched for a way of acceptance. I looked for reasons that led her on saying that. She said that because she cares. She said that because she loves me. She said that because she thought that I am her failure. She saw her mistakes on me. I just accepted that fact. I have learned to live with the pain. I got used to it until I am numb enough not to feel it.
My next search was the search for my father. I argued with my mother every time I want information about my father. I had thrown harsh and painful words to her just for him. My aunts and uncles were my foes too on that matter. I was the only one playing over the defense of the whole family. I told, again, my grandmother the reason why I am looking for my father. the reasons were: (1) I want a father; (2) I envy my classmates; (3) I need a parent’s attention which my mother did not give me; (4) I want a wealthier life and; (5) I am incomplete.
My family understood my feelings and respected my right to know my father. I was the one who stopped the search. I have realized that it was not ideal to look for my father when I have not searched about who my mother was, what she really feels. My heart started to fix itself going back to where it really belongs – my mother. No matter what the situation is, she is my mother. I do not want my child to do the same as I did.
The next search is searching for myself. I am now in a world where every kind of people are in. I am in a world where I can only survive based on what I am doing. It was easy for me to smile and laugh out loud but, it does not mean that I am happy. My tears just want to flow out my eyes but they cannot. It was because of the perception of the people to me – that I am a strong person who does not cry. I am imprisoned to that approach. It is difficult. However, it is helpful in a way. It makes me stronger that I won’t cry easily on the struggles.
Many people would say that if you are destined to find someone or something, you do not have to search for it because it will automatically come your way. What if it came your way and stopped at your back? Would you not search and look back to see it?
Searching is the life I am living. I may think that it’s over. For all of us, searching for questions is part of our lives. Searching for answers to the question we have searched is what we are living for.
I have searched myself searching for her self.
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