When I was young, I thought I could do anything. I used to think that everything is possible. Hopelessness crossed my mind not once. I used to feel so strong. I felt invincible. The only thing I cared about was to get high grades (well, not really) because I thought that’s the key to success. Then came along the college years. A new world for me. New people, environment, but an old me.
Adjustments and adjustments and more adjustments. Everyday, I have to adjust with different professors and instructors, classmates, people I bump along the streets and in the campus, and of course, I have to adjust with my own self in this whole new world.
Frustrations grew as days went by. It seemed that everything I do, even with my “best”, was still not enough for me to do well. I remember, when I was younger, I was very sure of what I’d like to become - to be an engineer with a 2-storey house plus a garden and expensive cars (materialistically speaking). I used to think that it is very easy to attain this dream. I used to assure myself that yes, I can do it.
Primary. Secondary. College. They say that these are not the “real world”. What are they? Can we call them as artificial worlds? My professor in Biochemistry once told us that college life is not an artificial world. It is a real world. A phase of the world. I was enlightened. I always think (as a student) about what the “real world” looks like and how come they don’t refer school as such when we, the students, seem to have more problems than those who are in the dimension that most people refer as “real”.
The first part went well. The first half. It was a “so-so” difficulty for me. A moderate stage I must say. Acing exams, failing, anything, but one thing was so sure, I will pass my subjects. The second half was not as smooth as the first. It was when I failed a course. Food Microbiology. A subject where all the microorganisms that can spoil any food product must be memorized. Oh, and that’s by heart, Dr. Dalmacio said. I did. I memorized. The physiological and chemical characteristics. Empirical or not. But it seems that no matter how hard I try, my efforts were just not enough. I never drop a subject. I used to fight until the end. I agonizingly wait for the whole semester to end only to know that I’m going to take the same subject for the next semester. I acted normally but when I was alone, I cried, so much. I felt so dumb. I used to think that I’m an intelligent person but when I failed, everything went upside down. I took the subject again and finally, passed it.
I was about to graduate on time last 2010. Yes, I was on time. WAS. On my last semester, I failed (in Food Engineering II). I never felt it was going to happen not until my adviser told me that I won’t be able to graduate. I cried. I walked alone along the dark campus. I shouted at the Freedom park. I drunk 3 liters of Red Horse, alone. Every night was the same - dark, lonely and sorrowful. How will I tell my Aunts? For sure, they’d kill me. But there’s nothing to do. I told them. They said I have to work for my allowance so I had to do English tutorials to sustain my living. But that was just a test. They did not forget about me. They still gave me money.
So there, I was about to graduate last October. And again, WAS. Was about. PUTANGINA. I failed the same subject, again. Am I that bobo? I told my adviser that I know all the theories, formula, diagram and everything about the course and I fucking don’t know why I can’t answer his riddles during the exams. He told me that I am intelligent. One of the brightest advisees he handled but lost sight. Lost sight of what? Literally? Yes. Figuratively? How? He said I abused myself - spending my time to everything that I can do until my brain and body function no more during the exam. Oh well. So there. This time, I did not tell my family that I haven’t graduated yet. The good thing was, they did not asked. However, that made me more guilty, in fact, until now. They believe in me so much that they never asked. The night of darkness came back. I never lie to my family and it’s too heavy to carry such dark secret in your heart.
I did not enroll. How? I didn’t have money. I felt helpless and guilty. I had the opportunity to study in one of the most prestigious universities in Asia but what the hell happened to me? I am in the University of the Philippines, isang iskolar para sa bayan but I can not do well scholastically for my own sake no matter how hard I try.
February came and I decided to tell my mom. To my surprise, she was very calm and just told me to pursue it. So there, I will enroll next semester.
College became an eye-opening part of my life. I am open to many possibilities but this phase, this chapter, made me aware of the society and my being. It’s a hell in land but also a heaven in disguise. It made me realize that having dreams and visions for your future is not an assurance of getting a bright tomorrow. I guess, it is just easy to dream and make plans when you are young because you have less idea, if not no idea at all, about the efforts, sufferings and hardships it would take to realize those dreams.
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