I am A Fool

             You said you want me to hug you so I wrapped my arms around you. The pillows may have gotten angry  - I took them for granted. My embrace is for you now and not for the cotton in a pillowcase. You asked for a kiss and I gave it to you. You said I'm a fool. Yes, I am to you. You said I am not serious but I seriously like you. I seriously feel like a fool just to kiss you.
              It is now or never so I came to choose now. If being happy means having to understand how busy you are, I would. I am busy and I hope you know that at the back of my mind, I can't wait to end the day just by seeing you.
              For now, your hand is what I want to hold mine. You arms are the ones I want to give me warm instead of blankets. Your kisses. Your hugs. Your stare. Your love. You. Just you.
       
       

Let's Play

             I am scared. I crumble with the thought that you enjoy playing games. I am tired of games. My mind, body and soul are too weak to jump into lies of happiness. But what if I am the game you don't want to play? Will I be happy? What if's and maybe's. Again, I'll never know until I try. If not, I lose. If yes, I may be happy.
           
             I am torn. Now, the option I want to take and the choice I want to make is to either be safe or good. Good when we get together. Safe when before you even hurt me, I have escaped.
           
             You can play with me though. You can play with me with rules. Our rules not just yours. In that way, we both win. You decide. I'll wait until it's time to play.

Paasa

            Maghintay ng matagal, umasa sa walang kasiguruhan, mag-assume nang mali, sino bang may gusto niyan? Wala mang ginusto ang mga ito pero marami at marami pa rin ang nakagagawa nito, marami ang umaasa.
            Ayaw ko kapag pinapaasa ako sa wala pero malimit, kung hindi man palagi, mapaglaro ang buhay lalo na pagdating sa pag-ibig. Kahit na alam mong mali at wala kang inaasahan, dahil sa gusto o mahal mo ang tao, hindi maiiwasang manalangin, hindi maiiwasang mag-abang sa mga bulalakaw upang humiling, ang magpuyat upang hintayin ang '11:11' sa pag-asang maiibigay nito ang natatanging inaasam ng puso, ang mahalin din pabalik ng ating kinababaliwan.
           Kanina lamang ay nairita ako nang biglang nagtext ang isang kaibigan. Ewan ko, pero pakiramdam ko e lumalandi siya at ayoko siyang itext pero nagreply pa rin ako. Simple lang ang mga sinasagot ko. Isang tanong niya, isang sagot ko at wala na yung kasunod na tanong rin hanggang sa nairita na ako at sinabi kong ayaw kong magtext. Bakit daw sa kanya pa? Aba, e ayaw kong makipaglandian sa 'yo.
         Hindi ko na naitago ang pagkairita ko sa mga kaibigan ko natanong nila ako at naikwento ko na rin. Sabi nila, pinapaasa ko raw yung tao. Masama raw ako (pabirong sinabi na masama ako). Aba, e wala naman akong ginagawa para umasa siya. Wala namang siyang sinasabing gusto o mahal niya ako. Wala naman akong ginagawa. At isa pa, may karelasyon siya kaya huwag na huwag niyang sasabihin na pinaasa ko siyang leche siya. Nagtanong ako ng seryoso sa mga kaibigan ko kung napaasa ko nga ba nang hindi ko alam. Isang seryosong 'Oo' ang natanggap ko. %^$#%#@%^! Yung hindi mo alam na ganoon na pala ang nangyayari ung ganoon nga talaga?
          Napatahimik ako, napaisip. Sabi ko, nagagawa ko pala sa iba ang mga naranasan ko. Sabi ng kaibigan ko, ganoon na nga raw, napaparamdam ko sa iba ang naramdaman ko mula sa taong ginusto ko pero hindi naman nakayang ibalik ang pagmamahal na ibinigay ko. Doon ko naisip na baka nga hindi naman nila alam minsan na may isang taong nasa likuran nila na umaasa sa kanilang pagmamahal. Na baka habang sila ay masaya sa mga buhay nila ay hindi nila napapansin na tayo'y nasa isang sulok at umiiyak.
            Minsan, masyado tayong abala sa akala natin ay magpapaligaya sa atin at hindi na nabibigyang pansin ang mga taong tayo ang kaligayahan. Masisisi mo ba? Iba-iba lang talaga siguro ang kaligayahan ng tao.

A Song of Love

♪♫ 'Cause you're every woman in the world to me ♪♫

       One dream of mine is to hear a song from a boy. A boy who’s brave enough to look me in the eyes and sing a melody of cupids. A boy who’s man enough to sing of love though he can not reach the right notes because all he wants is to touch my heart. His eyes on mine as he grab my hand to let me feel that his heart beats for no one but mine.

          How can I refuse to go on a concert of happiness where no one is there but the two of us? How can I not jump into his arms screaming how good he is if I could see how deeply he’s into me? The notes reaching my heart; the lyrics telling how beautiful I am in his eyes; the music of how he feels for me; the harmony of love. How can I refuse you?

"Nagbago ka na"

         Noon, kapag sinasabihan ako ng ganito e nalulungkot ako. Para bang nawala lahat ng kabaitan ko noon at para bang hindi na ako ang ‘Hazel’ na nakilala nila.

          Mahirap naman talagang harapin ang pagbabago lalo na kapag nasanay na tayo sa isang bagay. Nasanay na, kumbaga may kinagawian na. Nagiging routine na ang isang bagay. Laging magkasama, magkalevel ng kasiyahan, kalungkutan o kung ano pa mang trip sa buhay tapos biglang darating ang panahon na kailangan niyong maghiwalay, hindi man katagalan e kailangan pa rin. May bagong makikilala, may bagong susubukan, may bagong kaibigan, may bagong ginagawa, basta may bago.

            Ngayon, hindi na ako masyadong affected kapag sinasabihan ako ng ganito - na nagbago na ako. Lagi ko na lamang sinusundan ng “Paano? In what sense ako nagbago?” 

         Minsan kasi, dumating ako sa point na sinabihan ako ng isang kaibigan na nagbago ako hindi lang sa pananamit kundi pati sa ugali. Hindi na raw ako ang Hazel na una niyang nakilala. Sobrang sumama ang loob ko noon. Hanggang sa status sa facebook e ako pa rin ang pinatutungkulan niya. Nagalit ako. 

          Ako pa rin naman ang Hazel na noon ay nakilala niya pero yun nga lang, may nagbago. Pero hindi naman ibig sabihin na may nagbago sa akin e iba na ang buo kong pagkatao. Hindi naman kasi maaaring ang pananamit ko noong elementary ay siya pa ring pananamit ko sa hayskul, sa kolehiyo, sa trabaho. Maging oras, lumilipas at hindi ako maaaring magpaiwan. Siguro nga, iba na ang ikinasasaya ko ngayon pero kasi, hindi naman maaaring kasing babaw pa rin noon ang aking kaligayahan. Tumatanda tayo, nagbabago ang pananaw, kahit naman siguro sino ay nagbabago. Kawawa naman ako di ba kung hindi ko magbabago? Kung hindi ako mag-iimprove?

         Ako pa rin ito, siguro tumigil na lang akong mamuhay sa kung paano ako gustong mamuhay ng iba kaya nasabi nilang nagbago ako. Gusto nila, ganito ako, ganoon ako dahil doon nila ako nakilala, ‘yon ang nakasanayan nila pero hindi palaging ganoon ang buhay. Ikaw, ako, siya, nagbabago. Mas napapansin lang siguro kapag nagkahiwalay kayo at muling nagkita.

Dear Boys,

         We know that what you want is a girlfriend and not a replacement of your mom. We are aware that you want care from a partner that’s why we give you hugs and kisses that are different from what a mother gives. We hand you towel after taking your bath because maybe, just maybe, you forgot that you’re with your girlfriend and not your Mama who you expect to hand something to dry your dripping body. We cook breakfast for you because we think that you expect something to eat when you finally decide to stand up from bed before it’s time to sleep again. We scold you for not bringing umbrella when it’s raining because we can’t cuddle much with you when you get sick. We get angry everytime you can’t make a decision because you don’t have your mother beside you to make one for you. 

          You don’t always have your mother beside you so learn where to put your dirty clothes and please be reminded that the bed and the floor are different from a humper. Please know that the unwashed dishes can cause growth of molds and will give unpleasant smell through out the house. If you want a girlfriend and not a replacement of a mother, please learn to grow up first.

Father's day.

            As early as 12 in the morning, I’ve been receiving group messages that say “Happy Father’s Day!” and personal messages from those who do not know the story.

              I told myself that I am finally done with those dramas involving my father, but as I read my friend’s (Jam) entry, I just can’t help myself.

              Those days when you first throw me in the air. The day you sent me to school. I remember when you scolded me for going home late. The day you told me not to entertain suitors. That look of anger when you saw me wearing a skirt/shorts and make-up. And many more things. None of these happened.

               Every sms I receive today makes me want to make an entry for you but I decided to let this day pass because it’ll just be the same. Just the same song I’m going to listen to on iTunes, but what can I do? I never met you but you seem to give a big impact to my life.

                  I never had a curfew in my life. I never got grounded. Am I happy? Well, as they say, people tend to look for something they don’t have. I want curfew. I want to experience being grounded for going home late. I want to be scolded for going to parties and letting myself drown with alcohol. I want my allowance cut for not passing an exam. I want a very strict father than having none at all.

                I once got thankful for having no father because in that case, you won’t get to hurt my mother and I for having a mistress; you won’t make us angry for spending your time with no one but alcohol and gambling. There are a lot of things to be thankful of for not having you, but who am I lying to? Myself? I want a father. 

                I want to meet you. I find it difficult to trust a man who says he won’t leave me because I am scared that he won’t be there as what you did to my mom. There are a lot of things that could’ve happen the other way around if only you were there.

                I don’t know you. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know where you are or if you’re still alive, but, sincerely, I want to thank your sperm (now, you’re a father to me) for giving me a chance to see the world. Happy father’s day! I hope you’re happy. And I pray to God to give us the chance to see each other before it’s too late.

(Written: 12June2011)

I'm a Flirt.

          Malandi raw ako. Yan ang sabi ng aking mga kaibigan sa tuwing nagbibiruan kami. Sabi ko, hindi naman, kapag may isa naman na sa akin e doon lang ako. So siyempre, they won't stop teasing me and I have to defend myself. Sabi ko sa kanila, kapag may isa naman ako e doon lang ako at wala nang iba. Ang problema kasi, I can't claim. Hindi ko masabing sa akin siya at sa kanya ako. There's always this thin line that doesn't allow me to be in a REALationship.
           I like this guy and that one, too and the other one. Someone may like me, too, but the question is, where's the assurance? I promise myself to not let myself be stuck with someone who's not even with me. Not again. The long wait, the unthinkable pain and all those shits that fuck my life are over. So there. When I am happy, I am happy whether it is because of the same guy or not.
            What's wrong with the world? When I focus on one guy, people will say na tanga ako and that I have to entertain others and when I do, malandi ako. Fuckery. Assurance. I need an assurance to stop me from being stupid and being flirt. Is it too much too ask? I'm sorry, but I'm going to lift my own chair. I think I'll be a good girlfriend. I think I'll make a great role of being a partner. Feeling ko, masarap akong karelasyon. How will I ever know if I am not there? How will I ever try when all the assholes are out there looking for some pieces of shit and not one of them even give me a chance to try?
          I will go out with guys until someone stop me from seeing another. I will kiss who I want to until someone hug me and tell me that my kisses are all he wanted and will long for. I will be free until someone secures me.

How?

                 I met this guy, younger than I am. That night I saw him, I know there's something on him. The khaki jacket, the clean pants, blue shirt, his not short but not-so-long hair, the braces, I know there's a man for me behind all those material things that cover him. I wouldn't know. But his image, the painting of a man, though soaked in sweat, still looked so pleasant. He seemed to smell good and that got me on my knees. My weakness.
              We were introduced by a common friend. Our hands connected to give a shake. His cheek on mine and mine on his to give a kiss. I couldn't take him off my mind.  In just a day, I got a lot of information about him. Yeah, I think that proves that I am a real stalker. :)
                We met again. We were not friends so I didn't talk to him as he did not, but we had no choice, we're in the same group and we were in a get together so we talked. I've heard he's boastful and date a lot of girls. Some says he's somewhat weird. He's boastful but not too bad, just for fun and he admitted it. He used to date a lot of girls and he said those days were over. I wouldn't know. He's not weird. he's funny.
                   We sat beside each other. Endless stories flowed together with drowning alcohols. FUN. Laughter and all the 'getting-to-know' things were at our hands. He was on the hot seat and I felt him trembling with fears with the dare he didn't want to execute. I held him on his shoulder and squeeze it to show my support. I can feel that he was frightened so I made a move to get him out of the situation. I threw joke and the dare was ignored and turned into laughter. I asked if he's okay, he said 'no worries' and held my hand. He held it as how we hold a friend's hand - palms closed. After a while, he moved his hand and held me like a boy holds his girl's hand - fingers crossed. I did not know what and how to react. I just felt happy. We were holding each other's hand under the table as we laugh to everyone's joke. We looked in each other's eyes and smiled. I, then removed my hand. I want to make things move fast, but not as fast as that. That night was happiness.
               The next day, while the rain was pouring and as my friends and I where busy drowning ourselves in the alcohol (once again), I receive a message asking where I was. I said I was in the apartment. It was him. He asked where my apartment was and before I could even send my reply, I had an incoming call that said 'andito ako sa labas'. I ran outside, neglecting the rain. And there he was, standing outside the gate of our compound.
               His eyes, his chubby cheeks, the braces, the smile, how could I ever forget? His hand on mine. His cheek on mine. How could I possibly not smile? I, his. He, mine. How?