Life is never kind. We feel pain and anxiety. We face challenges. We are bound to make decisions. We get hurt, we hurt others. When we’re walking, we want to stop and take a rest. When we get stuck, we get angry and want to move on. Some choose to escape. Some choose to deal with life. Some choose to end it. We choose where we want to go.

           You are you! Your characteristics of being a human are not lessened by some guy/girl who dumped you! You lessen them by not recognizing that you are capable of living your life without that one person who could not bear your greatness! Heads up! Walk that road with a refreshing smile!

I am lost

          I am glad that I feel this way again, but oh, not so glad. It's been a while that I seem so numb and dumb about what to do. I just stay home - internet, movies and sleep. I do tutorials but though I do good at it, I just can't seem to get the right resources. I need an internet connection and until now, I have not yet subscribe to any. Also, it's somewhat an "easy money" for me. 7pm-12mn of work during weekdays and 8am-11am and 7pm - 12mn during weekends? It's not bad at all. But come to think of it, I need more. Not that I am greedy or maybe yes, but I need an income that doe not depend on how many students I acquired. What if there's no students? No income? OH NO! Glad I have some lucky days and I can earn 750php a day. What if lucky days won't come back? How is my future?
         I am so confused. I need stable income. Preferably from a job where I can go to school and study what I like. I am 21 turning 22. My plans just got fallen into pieces. Car, house, master's degree, travel, my brother's education et cetera. Can I get this all before 30? Maybe yes. But there's some more, I want a family, too. I don't want to grow old alone. Okay, I will stop now. Questions are just falling in line now and knocking on my mind. good night.

For A Mother and A Daughter? It's never too late

          I am starting to be, yes, a good daughter. I know I am somewhat old for this stuff but true enough, it's never too late. You see, I am no good at all - on being a friend, student, employee, housemate, orgmate or in this case, a daughter. Being a human is no excuse at all but not having the courage to do what's right is acceptable yet lame excuse.
         My mother is of the same specie; commits mistakes, misplaces the courage and gets confused sometimes or maybe most of the times. She committed a lot of mistakes in the past. In fact, a lot. When she was given the chance to change (aside from paying years without a normal life), it seemed that the world had turn it's back away from her. What was the chance given to her when she had no one to change for (except for herself)? What was there in second chances when no one believed you can give it try? I pity her.
        I know in the first place that those were all because of her, being irresponsible of what she was doing. But come on, she paid for her mistakes. Even if the payment meant, in a daughter's point of view, TAKING AWAY MY MOTHER!
        After the "payment" was done, I did not know what happened. It was like this "getting-used-to-things-you-have" and look for no one else. I got used to live my life without her and still, being a child, I wanted a mother, the real one, so I gave her the chance. You may ask how could I say that I gave her a chance when I was so young when she came back. Well, I just knew every detail of that night when she came back. I was in my kindergarten and maybe too young but I can still remember the sounds of laughters with my Inay, Ate Aileen and Tatay when a tricycle stopped in front of the house and a lady in black slacks with white long-sleeved top came down the vehicle. I told you, I can still remember. Try me!
         We lived a good life, as a mother and child. for a while. Sadly, yes, for a while. The "payment" may had caused a lot of changes. maybe the chances to have a good family was one of the things she wanted and she was not able to do it so she rushed, again, things and started a new family even if it meant having me, being left behind.
         The new family and my experience with it is a whole new story. But to catch up, she forgot that she had a daughter in me. She even told her friends that I am just a niece. It caused a lot of pain - more than what you can imagine. And still, I can remember the details - where and when and to whom she told that "niece thing".
         Being her daughter was never easy. Furthermore, being surrounded by people whose anger (for her) is higher than the tallest mountain on Earth is worse. And being brainwashed of how bad your mother was? It's the worst.
         On the other hand, I never got angry to my mother because of what others said. NEVER. I had deep anger but that was created between a mother and a daughter and not by some not-so-important-people-who-tried-to-run-ourlives. I was angry because I loved her and I was hurt. I was hurt because I thought it was the chance for us. In fact, I did not look for my father not until she had a child and gave her FULL attention to him.
         I lived my life getting what I needed but never what I liked. Well, not really. I loved my Inay and Kuya Teddy too much that when my mother asked me to come with her, I refused. But then again, the thought of having a daughter in me may really had slipped her mind.
         I remember when she told me that I have no one to run to when my Kuya Teddy and Inay are gone. That my friends and relatives would never mind. Amazingly, tears are now falling from my eyes. It pains me at the moment. It pains how a mother knows well and I just got to know it know. It pains when the world seems to be crumbling, she's the only person I know I can run to. It hurts that during my happiest moments, I never think of her. Feeling this way, I get to think if she feels that way, too. I got angry because she never thought of me but look what I've done? I am just the same person I used to hate.
         Now, I have a friend. I told her a secret. It was not easy. It took me a lot of time and courage to do so and when I did? No judgments. She just told me to be serious and not waste time. She told me to not feel bad because I fail to get just one of the things I could get. And she believed and believes that it's never too late.
         That moment was like a dancing in the rain of warm hugs and kisses even though we're apart. Now, when I get sick, it's her I first send a message to. I tell her what's happening (well, not that much. Hahaha.). Everything she says, I think of. It's unlike before that no matter how many words come out of her mouth mean nothing. Oh well, it's never too late.

            I know that what I am going through right now is my fault and I have to take responsibility for that. As much as I want to blame someone or something else, I just can’t, I have no right, and I won’t. I just want to go and sink myself into those dreams I created when I was younger. Anyhow, those were the things that took me farther. I have to fill my heart and mind again with those old good things and be numb. I will let them take me some place else for the next moment or maybe even just for tonight when I have nothing to do but to lay down here and think (because I’m sick). Let me forget that I have left myself open in the world full of judgments and criticisms. Let me forget that I am blind. I come to find the light and make visions once again.

           Why can’t we just stop the world from spinning? Why can’t we prevent the leaves from falling? The sun from setting down? The tears from pouring down? Why can’t we resist from sadness? From going away? Why can’t we just  smile all day? Why do we have to experience those dark lonely nights? Why are we given very very good friends and in a snap, everything changes? Why do people have to come and go? Why are there many questions in this life that start with WHY?

Virus

           The photo was taken last 12th of July in 2009. I was diagnosed to have a viral infection and was isolated for a week. Oo, naquarantine ako noong kasagsagan ng Ah1N1. Nakuha ko lang yan sa classmates ko. Hindi ako makabyahe noon pauwi ng Lipa dahil bawal so I had to stay in our apartment and in consequence, lahat ng housemates ko ay nahawaan at naquarantine kaming lahat. Pero parang wala lang. Hindi kami makabangon lahat pero masaya. Bonding ba. Hahaha. Sobrang gastos. Ang daming gamot. Tapos may URTI pa kami. Ayos lang e. Instant vacation. I was not able to attend classes for almost two weeks. At nung pumasok ako para mag-exam, nagchichill ako at namumutla so pinapauwi na ako ng prof ko pero tinapos ko pa rin ang exam, sayang ang effort e. Tapos pumasok na ako sa pag-aakalang magaling na and oh lala! I fainted so pinauwi na naman ako at baka magkalat pa ako ng lagim at wala ng pumasok sa mga Food Tech students noon.

          Ayun na ata ang pinakamalala kong sakit at pinakamatagal next sa UTI na hindi ako nagpaconfine sa infirmary sa takot na walang mag-aalaga sa akin at ayoko nang nakaswero kahit pa sobrang dehydrated na ako noon. Sinundo ako ng Daddy noon at hindi ko malilimutan na sa kalagitnaan ng pagtatalo namin tungkol sa pagpapaconfine ko e binuksan ko ang pinto ng kotse para sumuka. Sumusuka ako habang umaandar ang sasakyan at saka pa lang itinigil ng Daddy dahil hindi niya agad napansin. Hahaha.

         Hindi ako sakitin e. Ewan ko ba. Malas ko na kapag nilagnat ako sa loob ng isang taon pero simula noong 2009 e medyo malimit na akong dalawin ng sakit ng ulo. Sign of aging siguro. Hahaha. Or yeah, bad lifestyle.

         Ngayon, noong Monday pa ako nilalagnat at parang bagong taon ang kung pumutok ang bawat ubo ko. Dehydrated uli so mega gatorade, as usual, ang payo. Ayoko pa naman ng gamot. Nilalagnat ako pero gumagaling agad nang hindi umiinom ng gamot. Sabi ko dati, psychological lang yan, hindi ko kasi iniisip na may sakit ako kahit meron e parang wala. E ngayon, hindi e. Sama ng pakiramdam ko talaga.

         Dami kong sinabi.

            Have you ever experience creating images of your future in your mind? Having this picturesque self in your own world? I was like that in the past. I used to be a painter of my own dreams. I used to have these perfect dream-came-into-reality images floating in a corner of my little brain.They made me smile, unconscious and genuine smile. In fact, daydreaming was once my hobby and/or habit - whenever and wherever I am. May it be in a lecture class or on my bed before going to sleep. It was my escape from suck-this-damn-ugly-reality. It was my comfort zone.

           Now, I can’t even paint a picture of my own life. I can’t even find a suitable pencil to make a draft. Maybe I had overdone this escape-from-this-world-hazel capability that I am now lost and can’t find my way back. I miss how I have that box of what I really want. I miss how I find solitude without even going too far. Give me a paintbrush and let’s paint our dreams.

Pulitika

Nagpakamatay ba talaga si Angelo Reyes? O pinatay? Ewan. Yan kagad ang usapan namin ng Daddy matapos kong kunin ang isang box ng cloud9 na dala niya bago pa man siya bumaba ng sasakyan. Pareho lang kami ng nasa isip. Matanda na siya (65 di ba?). May kasalanan man siya o wala, naniniwala kami ng Daddy na ginawa niya yun para sa kanyang pamilya.

           Sinong hindi mapapraning na habulin na taumbayan? Kapag ka nga may multo e hindi mo na alam ang gagawin mo. Hindi mo man alam kung totoo o hindi e mapupuno ka ng takot at parang gusto mo na lang tapusin ang buhay mo kesa buhay ka nga pero pinapatay ka naman ng takot.

            “Mabuti na rin yun kesa makulong siya habambuhay at mamatay sa kulungan. Pareho lang maghihirap ang pamilya niya”sabi ng Daddy. Hindi ko alam pero kung may kasalanan man siya (malamang meron), nakakaawa ang pamilya niya. Sa kahit anong paraan. Kung buhay siya, malamang makakatanggap siya pati na rin ang malalapit sa kanya ng dead threats. Sigurado yun. Mula kasi noong makausap ko ang kapatid ni Jun Lozada, medyo nag-iba rin ang pananaw ko. Ang kapatid ni Lozada ay medyo malapit sa amin dahil orgmate namin siya. Sabi niya noon, mahirap nga raw lumugar. Hindi na rin daw suhol ang pinag-uusapan doon dahil sapat o labis na naman ang kanilang kinikita pero yung buhay. Buhay ang pinag-uusapan. Mahirap kapag ang buhay niyong lahat ay hawak ng mga mapang-abuso at makapangyarihan tulad ng isang bubwit noon na nakaupo.

          Sa case ni Reyes, maniniwala pa ba akong matatapos ang kasong yun kung may mga taong pinapaikot lang sa kanilang mga kamay ang imbestigasyon? Vizconde massacre nga e inabot ng mahigit isang dekada pero hindi pa rin masabing may closure e. 

          Hindi sa nawawalan ako ng tiwala at pag-asa para sa Pilipinas, yan ang bagay na hindi mawawala sa akin. Nawawalan ako ng tiwala sa pagkatao ng mga nagpapatakbo ng Pilipinas. Iba’t ibang katawan lang pero iisang budhi naman. Haaaaay.

 Isa sa pinakamahirap na sitwasyon ay kalabanin ang sariling nararamdaman.

          Tanda ko noong high school ako, may bestfriend akong lalaki. May gusto siya sa kaibigan kong super close ko rin. Gusto rin naman siya ng kaibigan ko. Seatmate ko si boy so sa akin siya palaging nagkukwento ng kung anu-ano. Hingahan kumbaga. Naging sila. Lumalabas ang barkada kasama si Best. After a month, nagbreak sila kahit na gusto pa rin naman nila ang isa’t isa. No comment na lang ako.

          Nagcollege na kami’t lahat e walang salita mula sa akin tungkol sa kanila. One time, may get together kami. Magkatabi kami ni Best. Biglang nagtanong ang isang kaibigan, “Ache, so ilang months?” I was caught off guard at sumagot ako ng“8months ata”. Tawa sila ng tawa. Natauhan ako, sabi ko na lang “Ang bait niyo talaga!” Ngumiti na lang si Best sa akin.

          “Nakaya mo yun? Ilihim? Na kahit kanino e hindi mo sinabi? Pero siyempre halata naman namin!” Oo, may gusto rin ako kay Best. Wala akong pinagsabihan. Ayokong masaktan ang kaibigan ko at ayokong magkailangan kami ng bestfriend ko. Nakaya ko naman e pero mahirap.

          High school at early college life pa yan pero ganoon pa rin ngayon. mahirap pa rin kalabanin ang sariling nararamdaman lalo na kung kaibigan mo ang involve. Hindi mo alam kung anong gagawin mo.