Procrastinator

        I had once felt the itching inevitability of the crash to come. The feeling was not desirable that I never wanted the same in my system again.

          I did not know where to go. I do not know where to go, still. As of the moment, I am overcome  by a profound and inexplicable inertia - occupied by wild dreams - but nothing seems to conceal the stain of these hallucinations. Everything seems to be incapable of conceiving a solution to my career woes, not even a vague plan.

          Why so? I’ll sit down at the computer, intending to search for a career relief, everything possible is on my way in an instant by the help of Google and then wake up from fugue state hours later having accomplished nothing, as if I’d been hypnotized deeply by this procrastination - just listening to the ticks and tacks of my personal crises, but never awaken by them.

Dipshits and an Asshole

                One time, you’ll meet a guy who will sweep you off your feet; be there before you even ask him to; will drive you any time of the day just to make sure you’re safe and will get to where you are headed; will buy you and your friends some drinks; will be there at past one in the morning when your friends call him and say that you’re drunk though you all know, including him, that it’s not true; will take you for a road trip until the sun starts to shine and when you get tired you’ll just sleep in the car while he’s there, still driving because he’ll notice that you go deep in your sleep while the car is moving and when you finally are soundly asleep, he’ll park somewhere near your house; you’ll open your eyes and be terrified because oh glory! It’s almost 9am but all your worries will then be washed away as you feel his hand holding yours while he’s sleeping there in his driver’s seat and; will drive you back home.

                Sweet. Sweeter than the oreo cheesecake and the choco java chip frappucino in a coffee shop. Sweeter than the black forest cake you’ve ever tasted. You’ll get what you always wanted – the sudden rush in your heartbeat, the sparkle in your eyes, the love.

                You’ll go to bed and continue to fantasize what would the next days be with him. You’ll smile alone, you’ll even shout sometimes because of the excitement you know you just created. Before going to sleep, you’ll think deeply and before you even close your eyes, you know that it’s nothing serious. Even before the rendezvous, you know everything is just an old and torn apart book covered with a dazzling wrapper.

                The worse thing is, you both know he’s an asshole and he even admitted it to you and you still choose to continue. Who knows? Oh geez! Haven’t learned any lessons from the past “who knows?” and “what if’s?” What if you’re the game he doesn’t want to play? AGAIN? You had the same question months ago, Dear. If you are the game he doesn’t want to play, why are you playing with him now?

                Sweetest asshole as he said. You couldn’t agree more. You know that he is and that, you can never deny. Sweetest sin. Sweetest lies. Sweetest bullshits. How come these shits turn into a piece of cake when added with some sweetness, huh? The feeling you crave for. The taste you always want to indulge.

                You know none of these lies will turn out into a splendid reality. None of these will work out. Still, you can’t even muster the will to step back because first of all, what is there to step back from when it’s just a normal thing for him? Secondly, why step back from a thing you pretend to be normal as well? Not convinced by your own pretentious game, eh? You can not back out. The show must go on. Stay friends. After all, that’s what this game is all about - convincing yourself that you’re just friends so there! Go on! Play hard and win the game!

Nubato

         Love. Lovelife. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Syota. Partner. Hindi ako makagawa ng post about sa ganito ngayong mga araw (maliban siguro dito). Sabi ko, pagkagrad ko, magboboyfriend na ako. Ngayong tapos na ako, hindi pa rin talaga. Mas gusto kong magkatrabaho muna. Hindi dahil walang choice kasi pwede ka namang magboyfriend kung gusto mo. Kumuha ka ng tambay then ohlala, may syoooowtah ka na.

        But you see, there’s more to life than being bitter having no partner. O siguro tumatanda na lang talaga ako. Ngayon, alam ko nang tama ang lola ko, mas madali na ang lahat kapag nakatapos ka na at may trabaho. Pero siyempre, ano nga ba namang madali sa buhay na ito? 

        “May gusto siyang iba, huhuhu.” “Hindi niya ako mahal, ajujuju.” ” Hindi siya nagreply, uha uha uha” and then you start to torture yourself. Hindi kakain. Matutulog na lang maghapon. Iiyak. Mag-ggm. Tutulog, kakain, iiyak. Ayos lang pero you must know when to stop. Not everything is meant to go on forever. Phase lang yan. Napasa mo na ba ang mga exams mo? Kung high school ka, alam mo na ba kung anong course ang gusto mo? Kung saang unibersidad ka papasok? Pagkatapos nun, anong trabaho ang papasukin mo? Kapag nalaman mo ang mga sagot, marami pang kasunod yan tulad ng ‘paano’, ‘saan’, ‘kailan’ at kung anu-ano pa.

         Oo nga’t iba ang saya na naidudulot ng may kasintahan o ng taong may minamahal pero kung wala e di wala muna. Huwag gumawa ng patibong para hindi ka lalo makusad sa buhay mo. Sa buhay hindi lang sa pag-ibig.

        Tumatanda na ako at pinaghahanapan na ako ng kapareha pero paano? Mahirap ipilit ang hindi pwede. Ayoko pa siguro talaga pero lumalabas naman ako kasama ng lalaki. kung maging kami e di kami pero kung hindi, bahala siya, basta ang gusto ko, makapagtrabaho, mapag-aral ang kapatid ko. Darating din naman siguro ang panahon na masasabi ko sa sarili ko na yun na lang ang kulang at di saka iyon, magnonovena ako para umulan ng lalaki.

         Takot akong malamon ng kasiyahan at pagkatapos, kapag hindi nagwork-out, maiiwan ako sa isang tabi - naghihirap, walang trabaho, hindi nakatapos, bitter, galit sa mundo, lahat na. Kailangan ko ng isang mangingibig o sampu para mas masaya pero marami pang bagay na mas kailangan ko kesa sa isinusulat sa mga telenobela. Uunahin ko muna kung saan ako mas sigurado at yun ang buhay ko na hawak ko, ang fulfillment na galing sa sarili ko at hindi sa iba e di saka yung galing sa iba. Sinong makapagbibigay sa akin ng mga kailangan ko kung hindi ko naman alam ang mga ito? Sinong magtiyatiyaga sa akin kung ako mismo e pinababayaan ang sarili ko?

          All we ever wanted is everything and sometimes, to get everything, you must to start on something first.

Can We Be Friends?

                “Friends forever?”

                “Promise….?”

Then you do that pinky thing to tighten up your promises. You promise to never leave each other’s side and to be there through ups and downs of life no matter what happens. Forever. You make your own vows at the corner of a classroom instead of making it in front of the altar. You get married – to your friend – and just made a promise of a lifetime.

                Do you have any idea of what you are doing? If being friends ‘forever’ means riding on the same school bus every morning going to school and every afternoon going home; having your snacks shared and eaten together during recess; helping each other on doing homework; telling each other’s crushes; handing paper toilets when you can’t help it but poop in school, etcetera, then probably, you are right. You know what being ‘friends forever’ is - forever in a primary school – and you don’t know how you’ll get in to high school without these friends.

                And then high school comes. You get to have a new set of friends whom you’ll do the same promise. You share your family stories; tell your first boyfriend/girlfriend; talk about your plans for college; hug whenever one gets down; go on a movie during weekends; have sleepovers; do projects together; send sms whenever you’re not together or even during classes when you can not have that chit chat because your teacher is busy talking like an alien and; more. You are probably on a ‘friends-forever era’ in a secondary school – and you can not imagine surviving college without having these people.

College is on the way. You and your friends go to different universities. A whole new world – different people from different places – is there to adjust on. You call or text your high school friends telling them how awful or amazing your day is; you go online to chat with them and send the link of a hottie you just found in the campus and of course; you always tell them how much you miss them. How long will it be (missing them)?

                Before you know it, you are already, again, in a group of new people you called ‘friends’. No more pinky promises, so elementary. No more getting jealous whenever one goes out with other, so high school. As the time passes by, you’ll know that they are your friends, not out of a promise and/or agreement, but you just know it. From sharing your darkest secrets to making new ones; from telling if you’re still a virgin or not, to asking who s/he wants to do ‘it’; from overnight review to overnight drinking session; from academic tours to just a fun tour; more; more and; more.

                You can be proud and shout how lucky you are to have the best people in your life who will always be there and never leave you through ups and downs and you could not ask for more. Is it enough?

                College is the terrorist that destroys your fairytale made in elementary and high school or let’s just say, the antagonist in your own story. It is when you start to put the pieces of life’s puzzle. Just the start. You fail a subject and your friends comfort you. You break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend and your friends will drink with you. You don’t graduate on time and you have to work and your friends will support you emotionally, spiritually and even financially. The more you fail, the more you know more. Ironic.

                You fail, they will be there. You fail again, and they will be there again. But you see, people get tired. They have their own lives as you have your own. You have problems and they may have a lot more. Life is more than just a fairytale that ends in happily ever after.

                Reality check: friends will not always be beside you; they will not be there through your ups and downs all through your life; they will leave you soon – sooner than you think. Sometimes, you do leave them to make the life you, well, used to talk about with them.

                Come to think of it, you once didn’t know how to make your high school life colorful without your elementary friends but you did. You once can not imagine college without your best buds in high school but you did. They’re not with you, always.

                Life, or in this case, friendship is more than what we paint during teenage life. I hope I am just being cynical, but I know more than that. Sooner or later, you’ll start to live on your own – without the friends you used to spend your everyday with. Sooner or later, you’ll be busy with your work that you can not even find a minute to text or chat with them. Sooner or later, you’ll have your family and you just can’t make it having friends in your house and drink until the morning sky.

                Friends forever. It is more than just the promises made. It is more than just your ups and downs when you’re a student. It is more than just sharing your secrets. It is more than just lending money or time.

                Am I being too pessimistic? You may have your own viewpoints of course and this is mine. Let me crack you this, for me, being friends is knowing that when you get older, you know that you’ll get in touch in the future because you are each other’s child’s godmother/godfather. It may not be everyday but you know, you’ll see each other in the future. How often? Maybe once a month? Once a year? Once every five years? Once in a blue moon? Or maybe when you’re already lying sound and won’t be able to wake up the next morning. Whenever it is, you know, that your friends are the ones who will still get in touch after your ‘fun life’ is over whether it is immediately after or after you just have your first grandchild.

                I have no grandchild yet. I know. And yes, I’ll know who my friends are when I get there. Still, it’s good to know you have people you called ‘friends’ (bestfriends, in fact) in every chapter of your life. So what? Friends forever? Promise…?

Ina - Isang Masamang Panaginip Lang

            Hindi kita kakausapin ni papansinin man lang. Galit na galit ako sa ‘yo. Sa pailang ulit na, iniwan mo ako sa ere. Sa pailang beses na, naniwala ako sa pangako mong hindi na naman natupad. Sa pailang pagkakataon, pinatunayan mong ni isa sa mga sinasabi ko, wala kang napakinggan. Palapalaging ako ang walang respeto at pagmamahal!

          Kasalanan mong lahat ito! Lahat! Kung bakit nagkaganito ang buhay ko! Mula pa noon hanggang ngayon, ikaw at ikaw ang sumisira ng mga pangarap ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero tila ba lagi na lang gumagawa ang tadhana para humadlang ka sa lahat ng nais kong makamtan. Kahit pa palipasin ang noon at ibaon sa limot, lagi na lamang nauulit. Inuulit at inuulit mo pa rin!

         Nagsabi ako sa iyo ng minsan, pinakinggan mo ako, sinuportahan at pinangakuan na lagi kang nariyan at hindi ako pababayaan pero tulad ng isang baha, ako ay tinangay mo sa mabilis mong pag-agos at pagkatapos ng bagyo, ikaw ay lumisan. Ako? Naiwan sa lansangan, isang basura na naghihintay na lamang linisin ng iba. Bakit hindi mo ako tinangay sa ilog? Sa dagat? Handa naman akong lumangoy at magpadala sa daloy basta alam kong nariyan ka at alam ko ang ating patutunguhan. Kada may bagyo, maghihintay ka na lamang ng pagtigil ng ulan at ako ay lillisanin.

          Kasalanan mo itong lahat! Lahat! Wala na ako kahit isa sa buhay ko, sumulpot kang muli para iparamdam na hindi ako nag-iisa.  Tulad ng isang posporo, naging handa na muli akong magpasindi dahil alam kong kasama kita, alam kong mas malakas ang ningas nang may kasama ako. Anong nangyari? Ang sindi mo ay hinayaan mo na lamang patayin ng hangin at heto ako, nawalan na rin ng apoy.

        Kasalanan mo! Ang sarap isumbat sa ‘yo ang lahat-lahat ng nangyari at nangyayari. Iniwan mo ako noon, bumalik ka at tinanggap kita at muli, iniwan mo ako. Parang kang yoyo, bumalik na naman at ang kamay ko namang ito ay handa palaging sambutin ka pero ano? Kumawala ka na naman, ayan na naman, iniwan mo ako.

        Noon, nasa sulok lamang ako nang iniwan mong luhaan at duguan. Ngayon, hindi na ako nagkukubli sa isang sulok. Luhaan at duguan pa rin, nasa bingit na ng kamatayan, nasa gitna ng maraming tao, sumisigaw at nagbabakasakaling may sumaklolo. Marahil ay hahayaan na lamang ako dito sa gitna, naghihingalo, nauubusan ng hininga hanggang sa tuluyan nang mamatay. Mabuti pa noong sa sulok, masakit pero kinakaya. Pero ngayon, sa gitna ng maraming tao, mas masakit palang maiwang mag-isa. Iniwan mo akong naghihingalo, lumuluha at lumuluhod para pakinggan mo. Naghuhumiyaw ang damdamin pero walang nakakarinig. Nagliliyab ang buong pagkatao pero walang apoy na lumalabas.

        Kung hindi mo ako iniwan noon, baka hindi mo rin ako kayang iwan ngayon! Kasalanan mo! Kung hindi mo ako itinakwil noon, baka hindi mo kayang makitang ganito ako ngayon! Kasalanan mo! Sino nga ba naman ako sa ‘yo? Isang pagkakasala. Isang alaala ng mga pagkakamali mo noong nakalipas. Isang abala sa iyong mga pangarap na naudlot. Isang anak sa pagkadalaga o marahil isang anak na hindi mo ginusto. Isang peklat sa pagkatao mong hindi mo ginusto at ni kailanman ay hindi mo matatanggap.

        Dumating ka. Alas kwatro ng madaling araw at tinawag ang pangalan ko. Sa dinami-dami ng gusto kong isumbat sa ‘yo na kulang yata ang isang buong araw para masabi ang lahat ng ‘yon, wala akong nasabi kahit isang salita. Walang tinig na lumabas sa aking bibig. Pagbuksan ka ng pinto. Iyon lang ang tangi kong nagawa. Natulog tayong magkatabi, sinabi ko ang mga nangyari sa maayos na paraan. “Kasalanan ko na nga. Huwag mo na akong sisihin”, sambit mo.

          “Tangina! Kasalanan mo nga! Kasalanan mo nga hindi ba? So sinong sisisihin ko? Yung walang kasalanan? Nang dahil sa ‘yo, nagkaganito ako. Naging patapon katulad mo! KASALANAN MO!”

         Gusto ko mang sambitin pero wala talagang lumalabas na mga salitang ganoon mula sa akin kundi “Huwag na nating pag-usapan, matulog ka na”.

       Badtrip ako, umaga pa lang simula ng dumating ka pero hindi ko kayang ipakita sa ‘yo kaya umalis na lamang ako, nagpasundo sa lalaki at magkakape para magpalamig ng ulo. Sabi ko, babalik ako ng tanghali pero gabi na nang ako ay nakabalik. Naroon ka pa rin – nakahiga sa aking kama. Umupo ako sa upuan. Umiyak sa sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman. Umiyak sa dami ng problema. Tumingin ka sa akin. Tumulo rin ang iyong mga luha kaya dagli kong pinunasan ang akin dahil alam mong ayokong sabay tayong iiyak.

         “Anak, huwag ka namang umiyak. Alam mo namang isang iyak mo lang ay hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Tumahan ka na”, wika mo.

         “Lumabas ka ng kwarto! Labas! Bilis!” at lumabas ka nga. Naririnig ko mula sa aking kinauupuan ang iyong paghikbi. Ako, nakupo pa rin at saka umiyak pagkatapos mong lumabas. Hindi ko mapigilan ang paghagulhol. Galit sa mundo. Galit sa lahat. Sa lahat ng nangyayari, may dahilan pa ba para maging masaya ako? Galit ako sa sarili ko. Naiinis ako. Bakit sa dami kong gustong sabihin, sa dami ng gusto kong isumbat, sa lahat ng pasakit na dinulot at dinudulot mo, wala akong masabi? Bakit?

         Akala ko noon, malakas akong tao, iyon din ang sabi nila. Siguro, kaya ko pa lang noon at ngayon, hindi na. Mahina ako. Wala na akong lakas para lumaban. Gusto ko na lang sumuko. Mahina ako sa problema. Mahina ako sa sakit. Mahina ako pagdating sa ‘yo. Ikaw ang nagpalakas sa akin, ikaw ang nagpahina. Ikaw ang kahinaan ko.

        Kung hindi mo kayang makitang umiiyak ako, ganoon din ako sa ‘yo. Tanginang buhay naman ‘to oh! Bakit ganito niya tayo paglaruan?

        Gusto kong isiping kathang-isip lang ito. Gusto kong paniwalain ang sarili kong isa lamang ito sa mga masasamang panaginip na naranasan ko, na magigising din ako at masasabing, panaginip lang pala.

Oh Boy

          Under the shining sun, I look for rain. I wish to dance in the pouring rain and think that it’s your love. The love that will get me soaked and turn me in to wet and wild cat and be a tiger that roars loudly just to be with you. I want no hands but yours. I won’t bother to have those hugs and kisses if they’re not from you. Where do you spend most of your time? I would like to know how get there. Do you always sleep with blanket? I will share or even give you mine though I, too, can’t sleep well without one.

            I will not ask you to take away the melancholic feeling in me because I know that beside you, there’ll be no other place happier and safer. I won’t beg you to look me in the eyes, I will look at yours until we meet and consequently dance in cloud 9. I will wait for your eyes to close before I go to sleep. Before I close mine, I will give you a good night kiss while you’re already in your dreamland. You’ll wake up with your breakfast ready. More. More. Time. Joy. Kisses. Hugs. More. More.

            Oh, boy, where are you? Who are you? Do you ever think of me, too?

Lutang

        Baliw bang maituturing ang taong naiinis sa sarili? May sayad bang masasabi ang isang nilalang na paulit-ulit na lang tinatanong ang sarili? Wala na ba talaga sa kabaitan ang taong alam ang problema at solusyon pero hindi makagawa ng hakbang? Ako ata yan e. Ako nga. Isang baliw, may sayad, halang at tuluyan na yatang nawala sa sarili niyang katinuan.

         Alam kong mali ako pero hindi pa in ako kumikilos. Ano? Naghihintay ng paggunaw ng mundo. Baka nga. Kausap? Ano pa bang dapat hanapin kung sanay na rin namang kausapin ang sarili? Tangina naman oh, nahihirapan ako pero wala naman akong ginagawa para maibsan ang paghihirap na ito. Mahirap talagang masanay sa isang buhay na hindi mo naman inaasahang mawawala sa ‘yo. Pan de leche flan! Pagod na ako sa ganito. Pagod? E wala naman akong ginagawa ah. Paano ako mapapagod?

          Kinakausap ko ang sarili ko pero ang tanong, pinapakinggan ko ba ang sarili kong tinig? Naiinis ako sa sarili ko pero tila yata mabilis makalimot ang isans ito at hindi dinaramdam ang galit ng sarili niyang kaluluwa. Tila may hindi ikaw at ikaw. May isa pa atang ikaw na natutulog at dapat nang gisingin. Aba, ineng, kailan ka pa gigising?

        Gising na ako! Matagal nang nakamulat ang aking mga mata. Pero tila ba may kung anong nagdurugtong sa amin ng kamang aking kinahihigaan at hindi ako makabangon. Hindi ko malaman kung rugby ba, mighty bond, elementary paste o nilutong gawgaw lang na akala mo’y ako’y habang buhay nang nakapako at hindi maiangat ang sarili katawan. Turukan kaya ng helium? Lumutang kaya ako? Para saan? Nakahiga pero lutang pa rin naman. Tanginang buhay yan.

[WRITTEN: Oct2011]