A Man in Me

              I grew up in a neighborhood where the population of men was higher than that of the women. My friends were boys. I played jolen, teks, rubber bands, tagu-taguan, mataya-taya with them. I had a lot of barbie dolls but I preferred the pogs and teks.
         As a child, I loved staying outside, playing on the streets and going home at night. My friends never looked at me as a girl. They said I have more brevity than they do. The neighborhood even concluded that I will grow up as a lesbian. Yes, my environment was a big factor on my masculinity.
         Moreover,  I was raised not knowing who my real father was. I thought my Daddy is my Daddy but no, he’s a brother of my ‘sister’ (who is mother).  I had a ‘brother’, my Dad’s son but he was studying in Manila that time. I was never scolded for not tying my hair. I was never grounded. But, I was always scolded for not wearing dresses. Yeah, I had to wear dresses everyday and they taught me to walk like a princess - holding both sides of your skirt, head slightly tilted. But they never won. I like playing outside. I don’t want to be alone in my room with all those perfect Barbie dolls.
          I grew up each day, having no biological parents. At the early age, my mind was opened to many ‘thoughts’. Will I ever be sent to or picked from school? How does it feel like having a father? A brother? I had to stand on my own. I came to think that these people around me will eventually get sick of my presence that in the future, I’ll be alone. I had to take care of myself since I have no Tatay or Kuya to protect me. When someone’s fighting against me, I must know how to fight back. I had no other voice but my own. I had to speak my mind out or I’ll die having said nothing. I grew up being assertive and certain of what I like.
          It was when I started college when I started to dress and act like a girl but never did it happen without my masculine personality. I talk a lot. I bully. I fight back. I never wanted to be hurt by someone I barely know so I bully them first. I never wanted to lose so I give my best in any battle. But this was also the time when I felt the pressure from these people around me. They may not say or do it directly but I felt their force pushing me to do things their way. They wanted me to do the best that I can. The problem was, the ‘best’ that they thought I had was just their imagination. They put too much pressure on my back that I just stop from doing things. Again, I had no one to run to. I have my friends, I know that, but we’re all students in the same University. We have our own problems and I never liked to add up on their burden so I had to be ‘man enough’ to move on. I had to take courage as a warrior and continue to fight for the life I (or they) wanted for me.
         The inconsistency of a father and a brother figure in my life pushed me to be ‘stronger’. It made me realize that I am not a lesbian but yes, I am a man. It made me believe in the power of a woman, on feminism, that a woman is not just a person contained in the four walls of the house doing household chores. That a lady is not just the one who’s afraid to speak out. We, women, can also do things on our own. We may be submissive at times but that’s not because of our vagina. I believe that people get submissive once in a while whether they have penis or not.
         The way we act and the way we do things are influenced by the environment we live in. The standards are set by the society. Sometimes, I dream to influence others and set standards on my own. I get tired of stereotypes.
         I am a man. I am strong but at night, I cry. I fight but at the corner, my heart crumbles. I am talkative but deep inside me, there are some feelings I just can’t express. Still, I am a woman. A woman who tries to be man enough to face the patriarchal world.

Huling Tinta

            Kung paglayang maituturing ang pagsusulat, bakit nakakulong pa rin ang kamalayan? Bakit mangmang pa rin ang utak? Bakit mababa pa rin ang tingin ng karamihan?

            Ang istiryotipong nagtatakda nang kung ano ang tama sa hindi, ay siya mismong lumalason sa pag-iisip ng mga sumusunod sa agos. At ang magtatakda ng mga mambabasa ay hindi mismo ang teksto, kung hindi ang mga puwersang naghahari upang husgahan ang utak ng manunulat. Kailanman, hindi maiguguhit ng may-akda ang balat ng aklat dahil lalapatan kaagad ito ng imaheng taliwas sa nilalaman ng libro.

             Mahirap bumitaw lalo na kung matagal mo itong pinanghawakan. Sadyang sumuko na ang puso sa paghahanap ng liwanag na kailangan upang mailapat muli ang plumang dadampi sa minamahal na papel. Isang karuwagan ngang maituturing ang pamamaalam ngunit isa rin itong katapangan dahil tinanggap na ng puso na hindi na nito kaya.

           Gayun nga, nalalapit na ang pagpatak ng huling tinta.

Sinulat ni: Roxanne Targa, katrabaho, kaibigan

Unofficially yours ver2

         I was always there for you. I call you when you need someone to talk to because that’s the only thing I can do with this fucking distance. I change your bad mood into a pleasant one. Everything that I could do, I did.
         I was happy that you appreciate what I was doing. Yeah, appreciation was enough but not today. You said I make you happy, but the thing is, how about me? Love? I don’t believe now that when you love, it’s okay to be not loved back. Dude, I want to be happy, too. I was invited for a dinner date for Valentine’s Day, but I did not accept the invitation because I want it with you. And there you are, having the best valentine celebration of your life with someone else. You play with them and got a kiss. I told you, I don’t want you to kiss anyone else but me especially on a heart’s day. You thought it was okay? For our relationship, it may be, but for me, personally, it is not.
          That’s the problem when you got no label. What am I? A friend? A confidante? The one you can go to when you have nowhere else to go? The one you can talk to when you got no one else to listen? I could be all that, but please make it clear! WHAT AM I TO YOU? WHAT’S MY ROLE?
          You are not the only one who needs assurance that someone will always be there, I need it, too. Where does reciprocity go nowadays? Martyrdom, I can do that, been there done that. It’s just that, now, when I do it again, it must be worth it and for someone who deserves it because I believe that I deserve someone who’s worth my efforts.
           If you are ‘friendzoning’ me, well, friendzone is not my comfort zone. It’s a trap - a trap for my happiness. I don’t want to be jailed on this zone and suffer.
           Unofficially yours. No, I am now, officially not yours.

Restless

          I feel so tired. All of a sudden, I feel like giving up. Not because of work or anything else but merely because I just want to be the way I used to be even though it means being unproductive. As early as now, I want to take a break. I want to sleep until I feel like leaving my bed. I want to go out whenever I want to. I want to be carefree. I want to go on bars and drink and dance all night and sleep all day.

          Now, I understand what they say – that it is really better (feeling) to be a student than to be in the working army. It is easier to spend money which isn’t yours. It is okay to go home late because you can choose not to attend classes next day.

          When you start working, everything turns to be different. You can’t just ask money from anyone because you are making your own whether it is enough or not. You can not enjoy the ride you were in during school days – eating out, buying the things you want, coffee, etc. – because it is very difficult to spend the money you make from your own sweat.

          Now, I understand when my Mom, Tita or Grandma used to say that I must not spend money as if I am just picking it from a tree. I understand why they get mad everytime I ask for an extra however, this isn’t an issue about money – just a realization. 

          I am so stressed out not because of the load of work I have but because everyday, I wake up at 4 in the morning and get ready for work and be in Makati by 8:30am. I have to be sent to terminal and ride a bus going to Buendia, ride a jeepney to Makati Ave. and walk going to the office. Every 7 in the evening (sometimes 8 or 8:30), I have to  walk then, ride a jeepney to LRT Buendia, bus going to Lipa and tricycle going home. By 10pm, sometimes 11, I’m home. Time for rest? Not yet. I still have to wash my lab gown so that I can wear it the day after next. Good thing I found my two lab gowns I used in college that makes my laboratory gowns four. Eat no more because my body is flying itself going to bed. Sleep? Not yet. ;)

          There, I said I never get tired, but my body just can’t lie more when weekend came and fever got high and cold came out and cough just got noisy.

          I couldn’t help myself but cry and said that I just want to stop working for a week and just sleep and watch movies and catch up with the series I left behind. I just thought of asking my tita that yes, this time I want to get your long-gone offer to go there to Europe. I just want to travel and study again.

            I want to get rich, of course and I know I will never be one if I got this kind of outlook but you see, I am just so damn tired. I was so workaholic since I started and there, my body just can’t get by.

        I don’t know where this is going but I just want to take a break or work a little nearer to where I go home. And oh, did I tell you that I am not physically fit for this? Yes. It’s just that they thought I am smart and can contribute a lot to this company and that ‘it’ is not contagious, so they hired me. I don’t know how to end this like I don’t know what to do next and like I don’t know how make the verbs in this post consistent. Hahaha. I feel so lazy to do some proofreading.

WRITTEN: 18JAN2012