Devirginized

        I was sent home from work last Monday. My stomach was aching badly. I was vomiting from Monday until Friday. Every food intake was coming out automatically. I went to the hospital on Wednesday to have myself checked and was prescribed with some meds. Unfortunately, nothing changed. I felt so weak. I was anxious because I had nothing in my tummy. I went back to Los Baños Doctors Hospital on Friday and boom! My doctor said that I had to be admitted to have a work-up and to determine the cause of my dilemma.

         I cried. I was like a baby. It was my first time to be admitted. The moment the nurse came to have my IV fluid connected, my body crumbled and tears came out while my very good friends were laughing and taking videos and pictures of me. I am a big girl, literally and can you imagine how I cried like a baby? I bet not.

        Ulcer and GERD. Positive. Gall bladder was swollen. Acid reflux was extreme. I was in the hospital for four days. I felt like a prisoner. Until now, I can't believe that I overcame the fear of being confined in a small room of the hospital.

         One of the fears in my life is to have admitted thinking that no one will visit or even guide me. God is just so good. He lessened the things I fear in life. No relatives visited me though. Oh well, I did not want them to. Or not. I was happy. The experience was heartbreaking (ang arte ko) because it made me realize a lot of things.

          I got discharged from the hospital today (6pm) and I am a lot better now.

Signed, Sealed, Pending

         I was the one who asked for your ears to listen but then again, I was the one who kept my lips sealed. How fool of me. I just thought that there’s really nothing to talk about. 

          One thing to be thankful about is that nothing happened. Nothing mutual. Nothing really started. Nothing. It’s easier to move on (when in fact, there’s nothing really to move from). That’s how impulsive I am. That’s how impulsive I was for what I thought I felt. I am not sure if that was just an infatuation or I just want to deny it now that I want things to be back to normal. Best yet, maybe I just don’t want to talk about it. 

            Still he’s one of the beautiful person I’ve known. I love the way he is. I love his kindness. His eyes, his lips, I love ‘em. I don’t want to spoil the closeness that lies for all of us. We’re in a happy circle and I don’t want to ruin that.

            I realized that I am putting myself in a closed box of you when in fact, there’s a larger world for me waiting outside that box. I’ll be walking the world and thank you so much for being part of it.

Late Bloomer

          I did a lot of crazy things lately. Well, I'm not really sure if you'd call 'em crazy or maybe, I am really just a late-bloomer. It was June when I unexpectedly opened the shell of my comfort zone. July, I got out of the shell and now, I think I am ready to walk a little further.

         I am not a saint for sure. A sinner? I don't really know. Maybe if I am, then this world could be considered as hell for having us.

        I was too afraid to speak out for what I've done. As much as I can, I keep those things with myself and with my very few trusted friends but lately, it was like "the hell I care, I did this and this" just smoothly came out. Or maybe I was just with my additional trusted friends who are on the same boat and for sure, would never judge you for the things that you've done and will give you a punch in the face if you did not do some of those crazy things.

        I am loving the loop. Too late for me? Not really. I never did such crazy things until I'm 22, well, few weeks before I turned 23. These things, a lot of things or not (or for me they are a lot), I love them. I must admit, I'm on the rush of trying things now. I already finished college. I have a job. I am single. I am not too old. I am not too young. Just in the right state to lose one's mind.

         The hype is great. The people you get to know more, uh, such a great bonus. Yeah, I'm in the momentum. I am crazy. The hell I care.

Marching Away

         Habang andito ako ngayon sa isang computer shop sa Makati (sa may Cash and Carry) dahil naiwan ko ang susi ko sa loob ng condo, hindi ko maiwasang mag-isip ng kung anu-ano. Dulot na rin siguro ng nabasa kong talumpati kaya ako nagkaganito. Lungkot ang naramdaman ko. Nakokonsensya rin ako.

         Sa darating na Sabado ang ang araw ng pagtatapos sa aking minamahal na unibersidad at isa ako sa mga magsisipagtapos. Isa ako sa mga maaaring umakyat sa entablado upang abuti ang isang rolyo ng papel na hindi ko sigurado kung may nakasulat ba o wala basta ang alam ko, hindi pa iyon ang diploma namin. Oo, tama, maaaring umakyat pero hindi aakyat. Mas pinili kong huwag na lang umakayat ng entablado. Sabi ng iba, korni raw ako. Sabi ng iba, gawin ko raw yun para sa sarili ko. Sabi rin ng iba pa, minsan lang daw yun dumating.

         Wala na akong pakialam sa sinasabi nila. Mas pinili kong magtrabaho kahit na sinabihan na ako ng trainer ko na ibibigay na niya sa akin ang araw na yun magmartsa lang ako. Pero hindi pa rin. Siguro dahil na rin sa nalipasan na ako ng panahon. Dapat kasi nung 2010 pa ako gumraduate e so wala na. Wala na yung excitement.

         Natatandaan kong tinanong ako ng trainer ko kung nakit hindi ako mamartsa at sumagot ako ng: "I don't know. I just don't feel like attending the ceremony. Maybe I would if my aunts will attend but they will not so I won't be attending. No one will come anyway."

Tinanong niya uli ako, "How about your mother?"

"She doesn't even tell me to attend the ceremony. I'm not sure if she remembers that I'll be graduating this April. Maybe she forgets because I'm already working."

Balik uli ng tanong si trainer, "What if she DOES want you to attend but just don't like to tell you because....blah blah?"

Nagkibit balikat na lang ako.

         Halos dalawang linggo na ang nakalipas. Tapos na ang Grad ball na hindi ko rin inatendan. At ngayon eto, nalulungkot ako.

         Okay lang naman sa akin na hindi magmartsa pero hindi ko man lang naisip na mapapasaya ko ang Mama ko kung ginawa ko yun. (@$%^&$#, umiiyak ako sa computer shop ngayon. Kadiri.) Hilingin niya man o hindi, dapat ginawa ko yun. Siya man ang nagpaaral sa akin o hindi, dapat nagpakita pa rin ako sa kanya ng nakatoga. On time man ako o inugatan na sa unibersidad, dapat isinama ko siya unibesidad sa araw na masasabi kong hindi ako sumuko. Dapat pinaramdam ko sa kanya na "Ma, sabi ko sa 'yo, gagraduate ako ng UP. Hindi man on time pero eto, tinapos ko." Pinagkait ko sa Mama ko ang kaligayahang makita na tapos na ang kanyang panganay. Haaaay. 

          Wala na. Grad ceremony na sa Sabado. Magtatrabaho na lang ako. Buti na lang kamo e hindi siya nagtatanong kung bakit hindi ako mamartsa. O hindi pa siya nagtatanong. Hayaan mo Ma, sa susunod e aattend na ako kung sakaling kukuha ako ng Master's degree. :)

Now

“I will be happy when..”
“I won’t be happy until/unless..”

            Being a girl with dreams and having plans for a paradise that I always hoped for, my happiness lies within the fulfillment of the things I want in life. I have built in my mind the belief that I can never be happy until I get the things I want.

            Lately, I’ve realized how miserable I was. You may never see it in my face but my mind were once (or at many times) occupied by anxieties. I used to be a happy-go-lucky girl and I never spoil any moment. When I get the chance to laugh, I laugh, BUT I was not happy. At night, my mind used to see a picture as dark as the less traveled street. I always thought of how abstract my future would be. The external parts of me said I’m happy but the ghost of what if’s and maybe’s were hiding inside.

           When I’m hurt, I tend to lock myself in the room and hide my head under a pillow and cry myself a river. I used to drown my liver into alcohol. I used to cloud my lungs with nicotine. When a guy doesn’t like me, I used to continue on martyrdom. I used to do the things that would make him like me until I no longer like myself for what I am doing.

            I know there are a lot of reasons for me to be sad and lonely and I used to say that, “To hell with other people! They don’t know what I’m going through and they have no single idea how it feels like to be me”. I was so pathetic. Now, I think it’s just right for me to be that miserable for having no value of own self and the greater things around me.

           I used to base my happiness on certain things and events in my life, who does not? Later did I realize that yes, those things will surely make me happy but, I can be happy now even without them yet. So when the time comes that they are already on my doorsteps ready to be picked up, I would be happier. The difference? Before, sadness to happiness. Now, happiness to more happiness.

        I want and will learn to not postpone my happiness. “I’ll be happy when I get a promotion.” ”I’ll be happy when I get a boyfriend.” ”I’ll be happy when I get my own car.” The list goes on. What if it’s my last day today? If I’m going to be happy tomorrow or in the future, how will I enjoy it if I’m buried six feet under?

        I will live in the NOW. But hey, when I say living in the now, it does not mean having no plans at all. I still have my goals in me but the next time I fail, instead of saying’ “Damn, I can never get this one right!” I’ll learn to say, “Okay, this is wrong, next time, i know what to do.”

         I know it’s difficult to live the way I want to live now but, I will give it a try - to be happy everyday. You see, it’s hard to look at the bright side when the bright side is covered by thick dark clouds. I know this is worth a try because knowing that there’s a bright side would make me happy now and when, I finally get there, surely, I’ll be happier.

I'm the best girlfriend

         I don’t need a guy to tell how he’ll love me forever and by midnight, he’s all gone - leaving me all alone with a broken heart, trashed hopes and shattered dreams of happy ending. I don’t want a guy who’ll promise that he’ll never look for another girl, who’ll say that I am the prettiest in the world and then before the sun shines, I’m all by myself and he, with a prettier girl and won’t take a second to just look at me.

           I am not sure if this is ideal or even close to possibility (but somehow, I still believe it is). I want a guy who will tell me he loves me only when he means it. If he finds it ‘baduy’ to say it all over again, I want him to show and let me feel loved. I don’t need him to shout to everyone that he loves me, a whisper to my ear that he does is sweeter. (Syet, naiimagine ko, kinikilig ako). I want a guy who’ll be honest enough to tell me that he thinks that the girl who just passed by us is pretty because, I got a lot of girl crushes, too! Hahaha. And if I find some cute guys, I’ll tell him with that kilig voice that a certain guy is cute and then kiss and hug him while telling him that yes, they maybe cute but hell, I;m with the man I love!

           I want an honest relationship - a relationship I always dream of. I want to be his bestfriend more than a girlfriend (but no friendzoning, dude!). Okay, that’s confusing, bestfriend and girlfriend, because ‘friendzone’ is trendy nowadays so let me just say, best girlfriend. AHUH! That’s confidence! Hahaha. I want to feel comfortable with my partner and I want him to feel the same way.

         Geez, why am I blogging about this? Hahaha. Yeah, well, maybe because I’m painting in my mind my very-soon-to-be love story. :) Aja! Let’s be positive!

Renewed

         Fears are creeping out of the whole soul, tending to find a place to hide, will there be a chance for all these efforts? If so, when will it be? Will it be soon that I am not ready yet or too late that I want it no more? Success, they say there’s nothing too late in this life, but we all have limited time here on earth. They say it does not come too soon but what if you want and can get it early?

         Dreams are already leaving the shallow corner. They have not found the path to reality yet, but now ready to walk and find one.

          Will there be a bright future because I want one even at times of rain and thunder. I am again awakened by what I wanted which I lost when I wouldn’t know what to do. Gathering strength to stand up and walk again is never easy but never impossible. 

           I am now renewed and ready to survive in this reality. Fears, I guess they will never leave me but I will never let them scare me now. I’ll find my path and I will earn courage to walk through it whatever hindrances there may be along the way.

            To myself, just keep on believing and dreaming. Stay wide-awake and take a nap to escape from stress. Don’t sleep too long, you’ll have a lot of sleep when you die. Live while you’re alive. Smile. :)