To Where it Should Go

           I am so stressed this past few days. I was crying every night before I go to sleep and every morning right after I woke up. I am torn.
           I was given a task. I was assigned to be a stage manager of a production. I did not know what such does. I have to know all the details of the play. From the set to props to music to costumes to blocking of the actors down to every line. I never felt it at first. As the time goes by, as the pressure keeps soaring high, I realize that I know not a little about what I am doing. Being scolded every night by the director, I have to face everything as if nothing happens. Capabilities were questioned. Time and more time were demanded. Until one night, I was so stressed that I can't help myself but cry. After the rehearsal, I went back to the apartment and cried again as I drowned myself to red horse, alone. That's when I also decided to 'God damn it! This was given to me and I know I can do it! And I will do it'. I conditioned myself for the battle. The next morning was an aftermath and little crying happened again because of stress. I felt so tired.
           The game was on. It was lunch of the same day that I received a call from my mother asking me to go home to her. She needed me. She needs me. She got operated. I got confused again. What will I do? I committed on something. Some say it's easy. Choose your family. I tell you, it's never that easy. You see, I committed on something. The sorority lacks of people who will work for the production that costs a lot of money and I am one of the persons they count on. I fell in love with the sisterhood and I was surprised that I am confused for a moment. I once told myself that when I come back, there'll be no turning back, but it seems everything is falling apart whenever I am doing my part.
             My sister told me that the hell with what other people would say. Just tell them the truth and it's up to them whether they believe me or not. The organization will still survive without Haze, but my family will never be the same without Hazel. I was shot. The bullets from those words silently penetrated to my being. Tears. Tears were just my response. I took time to think. I stayed awake thinking and crying.
            What's wrong with me? I promised myself to prioritize my family but what the hell am I doing? I am not this kind of person. I am not sad because for at least, I value my words and work. But then again, I am not happy, not with what I am doing but the fact that I am not sitting on my mother's side when she needs me the most. Fuck. If only I have two bodies or just a drum of energy to do all these things. If only no one will be hurt and get mad. If only the timing is right. If only I have to hearts. I have only one. No why's and how's. Every one should know where it should go.