Lutang

        Baliw bang maituturing ang taong naiinis sa sarili? May sayad bang masasabi ang isang nilalang na paulit-ulit na lang tinatanong ang sarili? Wala na ba talaga sa kabaitan ang taong alam ang problema at solusyon pero hindi makagawa ng hakbang? Ako ata yan e. Ako nga. Isang baliw, may sayad, halang at tuluyan na yatang nawala sa sarili niyang katinuan.

         Alam kong mali ako pero hindi pa in ako kumikilos. Ano? Naghihintay ng paggunaw ng mundo. Baka nga. Kausap? Ano pa bang dapat hanapin kung sanay na rin namang kausapin ang sarili? Tangina naman oh, nahihirapan ako pero wala naman akong ginagawa para maibsan ang paghihirap na ito. Mahirap talagang masanay sa isang buhay na hindi mo naman inaasahang mawawala sa ‘yo. Pan de leche flan! Pagod na ako sa ganito. Pagod? E wala naman akong ginagawa ah. Paano ako mapapagod?

          Kinakausap ko ang sarili ko pero ang tanong, pinapakinggan ko ba ang sarili kong tinig? Naiinis ako sa sarili ko pero tila yata mabilis makalimot ang isans ito at hindi dinaramdam ang galit ng sarili niyang kaluluwa. Tila may hindi ikaw at ikaw. May isa pa atang ikaw na natutulog at dapat nang gisingin. Aba, ineng, kailan ka pa gigising?

        Gising na ako! Matagal nang nakamulat ang aking mga mata. Pero tila ba may kung anong nagdurugtong sa amin ng kamang aking kinahihigaan at hindi ako makabangon. Hindi ko malaman kung rugby ba, mighty bond, elementary paste o nilutong gawgaw lang na akala mo’y ako’y habang buhay nang nakapako at hindi maiangat ang sarili katawan. Turukan kaya ng helium? Lumutang kaya ako? Para saan? Nakahiga pero lutang pa rin naman. Tanginang buhay yan.

[WRITTEN: Oct2011]

Maya

Tik tak tik tak tik tak.
         Patuloy ang pagtakbo ng oras. Patuloy na umiikot ang mundo habang ako, nakahiga, nag-iisip ng kung anu-ano.
         "Bakit nga ba naging ganito ang buhay ko? Mabago pa kaya ito? Bakit biglang naging mahirap ang lahat? Nasaan na ang mga pangarap ko?" At maraming marami pang tanong. Lumipas ang isang oras. Dalawa. Tatlo. Isang araw. Isang linggo. Lumipas at patuloy na lumilipas ang panahon.
         Gaano nga ba naman ako katanga para magreklamo sa pag-iwan ng panahon sa akin gayong nagrereklamo lamang ako sa pag-usad nito? Parang isang maya na mayroong pakpak at gustong makita ang mundo mula sa himpapawid ngunit hindi kayang igalaw ang dalawang bagay na nasa likuran upang makalipad. Kung hindi pa kakailangangin upang sagipin ang sariling buhay, hindi papagaspas. Kung hindi pa mahuhulog mula sa pugad, kung hindi pa matatakot na sumayad sa lupa ang buong katawan ay hindi pa kikilos.
        Siguro wala pa ako sa bingit kaya hindi ko pa kayang makakilos. O siguro, masyado pang marupok ang aking mga pakpak at kinakailangan pa ng kaunting panahon upang mahubog ito at lumaban at/o sumabay sa hangin. Kaunti pang panahon. Marahil din ay sadyang nagpapa-iwan sa lugar na ito. May hindi mabitawan, may hindi mapuntahan kaya takot lumipad.
         Kaunting panahon pa para panoorin ang ibang ibon na sumasayaw sa hangin. Kaunting panahon pa ng pagiging inutil, hija.
         "Aba! Hindi ka isang maya na may inahing magdadala ng pagkain sa 'yo. Ilang dekada ka na sa mundong ito e hindi mo parin kaya?" May bumubulong sa aking isipan. Nababaliw na ba ako? O ito ang gusto kong sabihin sa sarili ko? Alam ko ang mali, alam ko ang solusyon, pero hindi ako kumikilos. Narito ako sa isang bilog na mundo (kahit hindi naman talaga perpekto ang pagkabilog nito), hindi alam kung saan magsisimula at kung saan magtatapos. Patuloy-tuloy na naglalaro sa bilog nang walang nasisimulan at walang natatapos. Kailangan ko na atang maglakad sa linya at abutin ang kabilang dulo.
Tik tak tik tak tik tak.
          Lumipas na naman ang sampung minutong wala akong nagawa. Walang natapos. Maghihintay na lamang ba na maubos ang hanging nilalanghap? Mananatili na lamang ba sa aking pugad? Hindi ko pa rin alam ang kasagutan.

To Where it Should Go

           I am so stressed this past few days. I was crying every night before I go to sleep and every morning right after I woke up. I am torn.
           I was given a task. I was assigned to be a stage manager of a production. I did not know what such does. I have to know all the details of the play. From the set to props to music to costumes to blocking of the actors down to every line. I never felt it at first. As the time goes by, as the pressure keeps soaring high, I realize that I know not a little about what I am doing. Being scolded every night by the director, I have to face everything as if nothing happens. Capabilities were questioned. Time and more time were demanded. Until one night, I was so stressed that I can't help myself but cry. After the rehearsal, I went back to the apartment and cried again as I drowned myself to red horse, alone. That's when I also decided to 'God damn it! This was given to me and I know I can do it! And I will do it'. I conditioned myself for the battle. The next morning was an aftermath and little crying happened again because of stress. I felt so tired.
           The game was on. It was lunch of the same day that I received a call from my mother asking me to go home to her. She needed me. She needs me. She got operated. I got confused again. What will I do? I committed on something. Some say it's easy. Choose your family. I tell you, it's never that easy. You see, I committed on something. The sorority lacks of people who will work for the production that costs a lot of money and I am one of the persons they count on. I fell in love with the sisterhood and I was surprised that I am confused for a moment. I once told myself that when I come back, there'll be no turning back, but it seems everything is falling apart whenever I am doing my part.
             My sister told me that the hell with what other people would say. Just tell them the truth and it's up to them whether they believe me or not. The organization will still survive without Haze, but my family will never be the same without Hazel. I was shot. The bullets from those words silently penetrated to my being. Tears. Tears were just my response. I took time to think. I stayed awake thinking and crying.
            What's wrong with me? I promised myself to prioritize my family but what the hell am I doing? I am not this kind of person. I am not sad because for at least, I value my words and work. But then again, I am not happy, not with what I am doing but the fact that I am not sitting on my mother's side when she needs me the most. Fuck. If only I have two bodies or just a drum of energy to do all these things. If only no one will be hurt and get mad. If only the timing is right. If only I have to hearts. I have only one. No why's and how's. Every one should know where it should go.

Escape!

            Paulit-ulit na lamang e. Ang labo niyo kasing mga lalaki! O sige, mahilig kaming mag-assume! Sige na! Pero naman oh! Bakit ba ang landi niyo? Sasabihin niyo, nagpapalandi naman kami? Teka muna. Balita ko kasi, kaming mga babae e natutuwa kapag may mga 'mababait' at 'sweet' na lalaki. Na madaling mahulog ang loob namin kapag ganoon. Friends lang ba kamo? Napakasweet naman nating friends noh? Mga halik sa labi, magkayakap at magkaholding hands sa tuwing natutulog. Napakasweet naman nating friends.
         Hindi kami nagtatanong. Nga naman, hindi ako nagtanong. Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano sisimulan. Hindi ko kasi makitang seryoso ka. Ni hindi ko maramdamang nag-eeffort ka. Minsan kang gumawa ng paraan. Minsan. Oo, minsan. Masayang-masaya na ako sa minsang yun. Some things are better left unsaid, but not this one. Actions speak louder than words, but not always. Paano kita tatanungin kung mas may oras ka pa diyan sa dota mo? Hindi kita pinagbababawalan. Sino ba naman ako? At hindi ko gawain yun! Pero sana man lang, naisip mong mag-isa lang ako sa apartment at hindi pa kumakain dahil hinihintay kita kasi baka hindi ka pa rin kumakain. Kailangan pang patatlong tawag ko bago mo sagutin. :(
           Alam kong kasalanan ko dahil masyadong mabilis ang pagiging attached ko sa 'yo. Masisisi mo ba ako? Sinabi ko na sa 'yo na gusto kita. Ngumiti ka lang at humingi ng halik. Masaya na ako noon. Sabi mo, niloloko kita. ^%##$@^%! Kailanman ay hindi ko nagawa yun.
           Ako na ang tanga. Hindi naman kita masisisi. Sino ba naman ako sa rami ng babae mo? Pero sana magkaroon ka naman ng buto para kausapin ako.
           Last weekend lang e umiyak ako habang nasa swimming pool. Napakatrying hard ko. I try so hard to be the girl that you want. I even avoided a lot of chances to enjoy just to let you know that you're more important than anything else right now. Maybe I forgot. Maybe the thought of how really important I am slipped my mind.
          Gusto kong sabihing kawalan mo ako. Gusto kong sabihing "kung ayaw mo sa akin e di huwag". Sana ganoong kadali yun. Gusto kong sabihin na marami pang iba diyan. Gusto kong lumabas kasama ng iba pero hindi ganoong kadali yun. So as I said, the choice I want to make is to either be safe or good. I now choose to be safe. Before this gets deeper, I will now take my escape before you could hurt me.

Vivid Dreams

           Lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot of ‘seem-so-real- dreams. I’ve been sleeping earlier than the usual and then wake up with a smile. The next day, I would sleep early as well and then wake up so weak. 

           The dreams are of high definition. I know they are not dreams. I enjoy every scene in it. I know how every character looks like. I know every line. The setting, the mood, the character, you, I know they are real.

             Last night, I had the same dream. I slept before 12mn and the journey began. I saw you and no! That was not a dream. You were with me. That was not some images that my mind made up. You’re real. You hugged me when I got scared as we walk through a street in a nearby place. I felt you. You were real. I woke up and consequently started this entry as I realized how vivid my dreams were, dreams of you and me.

I am A Fool

             You said you want me to hug you so I wrapped my arms around you. The pillows may have gotten angry  - I took them for granted. My embrace is for you now and not for the cotton in a pillowcase. You asked for a kiss and I gave it to you. You said I'm a fool. Yes, I am to you. You said I am not serious but I seriously like you. I seriously feel like a fool just to kiss you.
              It is now or never so I came to choose now. If being happy means having to understand how busy you are, I would. I am busy and I hope you know that at the back of my mind, I can't wait to end the day just by seeing you.
              For now, your hand is what I want to hold mine. You arms are the ones I want to give me warm instead of blankets. Your kisses. Your hugs. Your stare. Your love. You. Just you.
       
       

Let's Play

             I am scared. I crumble with the thought that you enjoy playing games. I am tired of games. My mind, body and soul are too weak to jump into lies of happiness. But what if I am the game you don't want to play? Will I be happy? What if's and maybe's. Again, I'll never know until I try. If not, I lose. If yes, I may be happy.
           
             I am torn. Now, the option I want to take and the choice I want to make is to either be safe or good. Good when we get together. Safe when before you even hurt me, I have escaped.
           
             You can play with me though. You can play with me with rules. Our rules not just yours. In that way, we both win. You decide. I'll wait until it's time to play.